This is probably a post that stands out for its more hmm, dark, less-happy posts than the happy posts that are swirling around here…

Who are people? Who are we? Who am I?

I am a student, a classmate, a friend, a sister, a daughter, a lover…

So by trying to tear myself into pieces fitting into the relevant parts of the puzzle, sometimes, I wonder.

Is it possible? To be an all-rounder, to fulfil every responsibility, the do’s and the don’ts…you get the drift.

And when I don’t, I keep thinking and wondering. Is it ever possible? How do I do that?

Sometimes, this gets a bit too self-deprecating…

Probably, I’ll find the answers someday.

I have a theory that I know will pull through time, and yes, that I’m confident of. If ever energy runs out in the world today, love will be able to supply us with endless energy to carry on with life. Tested and proven, love is a source of motivation that is hard to speak of, let alone write out. The closest I can write, the motivation comes from beneath and within your heart that feels warmth, care and enthusiasm. An enduring spark of light perhaps, from within the heart, that makes you push boundaries and exhaust extremes. When I say tested and proven, it is not from the scientific way but rather experiences that shape a person’s heart and soul. Bless you for reading this.

“But there's also a chance that the one person you can count on for a lifetime,

the one person who knows you sometimes better then you know yourself,

is the same person who has been standing beside you all along."

Sometimes, one has to have a little quiet time to reflect, ponder, evaluate.

Because at any point in your lifetime, you go through something.

And you grow through it.

Also, you know that you can’t please everyone all the time.

So listen to your thoughts and value your mind.

♣

Hello, I miss you.

It’s been so long.

Writing in this space.

I miss you, you.

You, the only one who calls me by names; cute name, crazy name, name when I’m a naughty child-like girl. And all the names you call me, all the sounds you make when calling me, even all the seemingly off the ordinary sounds make me feel like the most special, most unique girl around. Because I understand all the sounds.

The intonations of your voice that resonates in my heart, in my soul. Something deep within flitters and stirs up inside.

Once again, you stir up my inspirations and my itch to write.

To publish, to make this space alive again.

It’s been so long.

♥

Have you ever felt something is amiss before? That the day just does not function right without a certain someone.

Have you ever felt a certain emptiness and longing, so much so that your heart aches and you just want to sleep it over?

Have you ever felt that a certain voice is missing out for a while and just wants the days to pass over as soon as possible?

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Anyway, back to the more tangible details. This whole holiday has left me pondering and thinking. So many things to see, so many things to say.

Who is genuine, who is sincere, who is true, who is real. All these details, you can’t ever escape away from.

Time will tell, situations in life will tell.

A common saying is that life is a stage, and we are all but actors on it. All thanks to Shakespeare of course, such awesome literature.

Speaking of literature, I’m still pondering whether to switch over to Sociology or stay faithful to Literature no matter how historyish the modules appear to be.

That aside, as much as the saying holds true, no matter how many layers of masks you put on as an acclaimed actor/actress, the layers will give way as soon as the situation permits and succumbs to changes. It’s akin to actors and actresses having to react to sudden changes on stage, changes in backlighting or sound or whatsoever.

I’ve seen however much I could these past few months. I’ve felt many emotions ranging from relief to anger to hatred to bitterness to resentment to realisation to understanding to tolerance.

I’m doing what I can do to salvage the situation, or to lessen the damages and consequences arising from the situation. Yet, certain things just do not stop me from feeling such disappointment in others, and bewilderment in my own misjudgement. It’s like the same scenerio from a certain real life situation, the kidnapper kidnaps the victim and victim develops feelings for the kidnapper after a long period of time. The only thing that differs from that scenerio is that the victim does not come to a realization and is forever trapped in darkness, no light at all. Not even a mere beacon of light. Probably I’m considered lucky in this sense, but of course others may say it’s best not to realise and know certain things at all. So many years of existence, and you only realise it today. How would you feel? Probably a rebirth, probably disgust?

It can work both ways too. Disgust and a sense of relief or something. Either way, things happen for a reason and changes are there for a reason too. It’s how individuals cope with it and see from which perspective. I’m thankful for being thrown into such overwhelming light of realisation, it’s like a blinding light at the end of a very long and dark and twisted tunnel. So ever twisted. The most twisted tunnel ever.

I’ve seen a lot of things, ever since he came into my life. Is this what they call the changing phase thing in life?

Many things have changed, with family, with friends. Change was something I never liked at all. Change was something I dreaded and was scared about, but this change is something different. Changed my perspective in looking at people, in reflecting upon others’ actions onto you yourself, in looking at my own self-worth in relation to self, family, friends, and in looking at truth and sincerity in people. This change, I’ll have to say, makes me ponder upon certain things in life and makes me look at things I’ve never looked in a way before. Probably this makes me a person who is less vulnerable to certain things. What about being a person more valued in life when at times, there are misunderstandings about you from others? Change is something that can’t be controlled especially when it comes from an external source. Inevitably when something good happens, something not so good happens too. So what do you do then? I guess, the safest thing to say would be: I’ll think back upon the good old times and save up some part of goodness in people to remind self that it is really not so bad. And when there is so much love in my life now that I’m speechless to say about, what more could I ask for? I’ll stay contented like this, and remind self that nothing is perfect in this world. When you gain some, you inevitably lose some.