heart on wings

{Monday, May 28, 2007}


Actually, it's the opposite. Was jittery today, before the grand grand exam. Like my heart was thumping like a drum? Think about the U-Papa, haha. But yeah, it was a great experience. Now I know how's the O Level exams like. Somehow I feel I need to retake this paper... haha. My 'A' is kinda gone with the wind, with me pathetically trying to catch it back with a small net...

But I'm not giving up. Never. Unless I fall down dead or something. Haha.

And Prelims is just round the corner.

And I know what to do. =)

P.S. Why is the tagboard so quiet? Where has all my readers gone???!!! I seriously need some confessions from you people that you really love me.

4:55 PM;

{Wednesday, May 16, 2007}

Today is just the first day of "Doom's Day" (a.k.a. the first day of receiving the "fruits" of my labour for the mid-year examinations) and I almost died today. In a double sense. You might think it's silly to say such a thing, but. Unless you're a student like me, I don't think you're able to understand. (then why do teenage suicides occur? it's either about love or studies, mostly, it's studies) Like how a businessman frets over his business, like how mothers fret over their children. And once something goes horribly wrong, it almost feels like a part of you has died. How would a businessman feel, when he has invested all his money into a particular business venture and went bankrupt? How would a mother feel, when her son goes to jail?

I saw my daily bus coming and I was already walking opposite, away from it. I wanted to make a detour to catch that bus, and I nearly died while doing that. For I was crossing the road and had a thought to dash across and be smacked dead by a whizzing car. I reached the MRT station. I had a thought to throw myself down into the tracks and getting myself smashed flat by the oncoming speedy train. But then, there was a sign, "Value life. Act responsibly." And I thought of what would happen if I really entertained those morbid thoughts. My family, my friends, my teachers, my classmates...they would all be very sad. That I didn't give myself a chance to live.

In the hall, I could sense it. There's daggers in men's smiles. I must believe in myself, that I can succeed, that I can do really well in the O Levels. I must make a difference.

Heaven, to whoever is the creator of this world, I pray you listen to me. Though my tears have dried and cannot flow, to express the indescribable heart-wrenching pain within me, you shall give me the strength to live on. You shall watch over me.

And for that to be realized, I know it. I must not even think of suicide. I must taste the familiar taste of failure again, like during the Sports Day, and grit my teeth and attack those piles of books. I'm not going to emerge the failure in the end.

I'm going to have the last laugh.

4:25 PM;

{Tuesday, May 15, 2007}

Here's the ultimate revival; the series of events that has taken place since two months back, and that's how long I haven't blogged. (albeit going online for a few minutes every alternate day) Yes, yes, I have heard that readers have missed me. In a good way.

Here's the series of events, based on chronical order.

Sports Day
I remembered how I prepared for Sports Day, because I was asked to run a 200m race for my class, at the stadium. It was the first time I actually participated (does cheering at the stands count? I've been doing that for the past three years) in a sports event, hence the nervousness and all. But, it was unfortunate that I was not feeling well during practices; there was one time I almost wanted to throw up after I ran my 200m race and got everyone startled and worried. Yet it was my own fault; I didn't have lunch and all and I guess I was physically weak due to my dieting. (okay, rest assured, me ain't dieting no more) On the actual day, I came in last. How great. All my efforts went down the drain; training at the stadium and at my gym. What's more, I "earned" myself a tan during training. (you know, "tan" can never be my friend) And now, I'm still tanned. Great.

Yes, I came in last. But I took in all the taste of failure; it was bitter yet intriguing, a weird sensation, having run the 200m with all the crowd and cheer, yet hearing nothing but the determination within me. And I did well in my 2.4km race (i didn't stop while running the three rounds around school, i just willed myself to go on go on, i was so determined to have a taste of sweet success), the best and fastest timing I could ever achieve. =)

Science muddle
For the Common Test, I jolly well did real badly for the two dreaded sciences; Physics and Chemistry. I think the two subjects are destined to cause havoc to my life. I literally struggled with the two that I fell sick studying. Both mentally and physically. Yet I failed the two subjects badly for Common Test. You might think I've an innate talent for failing these subjects. Oh well, so I wanted to drop these Pure Sciences to Combined Science, which was said to be much easier and all. Yet I had to struggle with that too; persuading my teachers to let me drop to Combined Science (told you, these subjects were destined to cause havoc to my life!) and like finally, I got my way. But I befuddled my teachers and friends. =)
I feel so light and free now, having dropped to Combined Science. Like a butterfly in the cocoon stage, it has experienced dire struggle and has fought; to get out of the hard-shelled cocoon and to spread its beautifully matured wings and fly; high up to the boundless sky, happy and free, pursuing its dream.

Singapore Youth Festival
And then there was the difficult game, juggling time between my crazily intense guitar practices and homework that could reproduce more homework, tests that could reproduce more tests. It was the most difficult period, as the mid-year examinations were nearing and the bi-annual SYF competition was nearing too. The guitar practices gave me mixed feelings; both happy and sad. I was happy that it was the last period of the year having to attend those guitar practices, yet I was sad to stand down from my CCA right after the SYF competition due to the O Levels. We practiced a lot as an Ensemble, and our kind Principal even gave us new guitars to play for the SYF competition. We garnered many opinions from various people, including the Principal and some guitar professionals. You might figure that on the actual day, we may be able to clinch a Gold for our CCA, but no. Even though many said that we sounded great and all, (and we thought so too, that it was a great improvement as compared to the previous SYF) but no, we got a Silver, again. Other schools were better. Oh well. But we were proud to wear our new costumes (we're one of the best dressed schools haha) and performed the best we could ever perform. It felt good on stage, and I felt really happy and proud of our conductor too.

Booster Session (Adam Khoo Workshop)
Yes, the booster session, which I awaited so long for. I missed the tears and laughters during the Adam Khoo workshop, that was why. But alas, the trainer was not happy with us. He thought that we would all follow the tips and advices to do well for examinations, but most of us didn't follow. (but I learnt how to speed read and plan my time well and to be optimistic, brave and all...) So he was disappointed with us, and didn't share with us anymore tips or advices. Instead, he talked, hoping that would inspire us. I was already inspired and didn't let the inspiration within me wane. But that time, how I wished I was full of energy to overcome the workload and tests and examinations, for I felt really lethargic and my physique displayed signs of stress and it was also due to the fact that I didn't eat well. =(

Speech Day
I remembered Speech Day well. It was the day where the ex-students (just graduated students) came back to receive their awards. I guess it was more inspiring than the Adam Khoo workshop; seeing them go up the stage in their various wonderful school uniforms to receive their coveted awards made all of us envy. Then the teachers came up to us and said that they had high expectations of us, that we would be like them and clinch those awards or be even better than them. I was thankful that they had placed such hopes on us. And I'm definitely not going to let them down.

Jaime's pre-wedding party
I remembered it really well, for it was just days before the mid-year examinations. Jia Wen and I went to our Trybe's coach's pre-wedding celebration at Aloha Loyang chalet after school. Amelin and Yvonne and Hui Ling went too. Jia Wen and I bought for our darling coach a musical box from Precious Thots...it looks sweet; purple on the outside, pink on the inside, with a rotating heart when the musical box is tuned. Yeah, it really suits our sweetie-pie coach. We're like really excited for her, she's getting married in June!!! =) And her wedding photos she showed us were really pretty and artistic.

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Her letter to me. So sweet. =) I'll miss her, really. And her party was great, it was fun and sweet. Girlish and Sweet.

Mid-Year Examinations
As I've mentioned earlier, there was time struggle between juggling schoolwork and intense guitar practices, so this was the worst unprepared examination I've ever sat for. Ever. Horrors of all horrors, I endured two weeks of hardcore mugging. Last minute preparation, no choice. Hence I'm mentally prepared to receive the grosteque fruits of labour ever. Because this time round, the examinations included the whole year's work, and there was little time for me to really study well. During the pre-period of the mid-year examinations, I was feeling really down. Almost depressed. There was one time that I broke down in school; cried for no reason in class. And shocked many friends. Yeah, but I'm lucky to have their support and all. =)

Today is Marking Day. I guess it's no different from Doom's Day? Alas, but I'm happy that the mid-year examinations period has finally ended, just ended. I still remember the stress and tension I felt during the early days of this week and last week. My physique displayed loads of symptoms of stress; neck ache, headache, shoulder ache.. it was really sucky. And here are some photos that I shot; I got a strong impulse to capture some pictures using the family camera. I guess it was a new way of relieving stress? Haha.

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The sunset warming my frayed heart. This photo looks symbolic, like I'm trapped within the four walls of insanity, shunned from the wondrous sky.

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The deep blue sky. Night is about to fall.

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Who is that girl I see, staring straight, back at me...
Oh yes, I'm intending to keep my hair real long, a hopeful attempt to make myself wiser. =)

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Ominous. Unpredictable. Yet with a glimmer of hope.

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My darling Mister Gurly. Oh he's just a girly soft toy in pink. Cuddly wuddly, but he looks "emo" here. Maybe he's sad that I'm turning all my attention to piles of books.

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Uncertainty. The messy hair that parallels the fluster within me.

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The windchime that calls for hope, the eleven hopeful cranes. (pink)

By the way, this post has been drafted, for I took time off to visit the hairdressers' this afternoon with my mom (been 2 months since I went) and my bangs returned. Girl with the bangs. Haha. Yeah, I guess this post has been long. So it sort of made up for the months lacked of posts? Haha, yeah but I guess this will be just a temporary revival of my blog. Life is busy, like a bee. Haha, I wanna turn back time, if I could.

Chinese O Levels is just round the corner! Wish me well. Real well.

2:10 PM;

{Sunday, May 13, 2007}

Do Whatcha Gotta Do

It's been a minute since you left me
Out here on my own
And I never felt this empty
Since I've been alone

And the silence is louder than any fight we ever had before
You don't even know

The time for night to turn to morning
Never took this long
And there's nothing to take from me
Cause you're already gone
Being hurt for a while's how I'll get over you

So keep calling me names, babe
Tell everyone I'm crazy
Do whatcha gotta do
To forget about me and you
If it's easier to hate me
Then go on have your way babe
Do whatcha gotta do
To forget about me and you

I can't remember to forget you
Whenever there's another
I accidentally just compare you
But they don't measure up
Every mile that I steer
Every song that I hear is a memory of you
Please leave me alone
And no matter what
Please don't regret all the times you
Pretend you don't see me
It's pathetic I try to despise you
Just like you do with me
Love just don't disappear especially when it's true

So keep calling me names, babe
Tell everyone I'm crazy
Do whatcha gotta do
To forget about me and you
If it's easier to hate me
Then go on have your way babe
Do whatcha gotta do
To forget about me and you

Sometimes it takes you feel you've died to know you really are alive in here
And I'd trade my soul
Just to wake up from
This nightmare they all say is my life now

Baby I don't wanna make it all harder for you
But I love you like crazy if you gotta hate me
Then do what you gotta do

So keep calling me names, babe
Tell everyone I'm crazy
Do whatcha gotta do
To forget about me and you
If it's easier to hate me
Then go on have your way babe
Do whatcha gotta do
To forget about me and you...

Currently this is the main blog song. I've been infatuated with this song recently; Jojo's voice is so soothing and nice in lyrics highlighted in bold above...the lyrics that sound distant yet familiar...the forgotten lyrics that hauntingly inspires my soul...and yes, this is a pre-post to a big update that's coming up real soon...I know you readers are missing me loads. =)

Mother's Day Special

The Joy Luck Club trailer

English has been my first love, and now Literature is next. Literature, a subject that inspires, a subject that is alive.

An excerpt from the book: Joy Luck Club by Amy Tan.

"Tell them stories she told you, lessons she taught, what you know about her mind that has become your mind," says Auntie Ying. "You mother very smart lady."
I hear more choruses of "Tell them, tell them" as each Auntie frantically tries to think what should be passed on.
"Her kindness."
"Her smartness."
"Her dutiful nature to family."
"Her hopes, things that matter to her."
"The excellent dishes she cooked."
"Imagine, a daughter not knowing her own mother!"
And then it occurs to me. They are frightened. In me, they see their own daughters, just as ignorant, just as unmindful of all the truths and hopes they have brought to America. They see daughters who grow impatient when their mothers talk in Chinese, who think they are stupid when they explain things in fractured English. They see that joy and luck do not mean the same to their daughters, that to these closed American-born minds "joy luck" is not a word, it does not exist. They see daughters who will bear grandchildren born without any connecting hope passed from generation to generation.

The Joy Luck Club is a book that can bring tears to your eyes, while reading...I'm happy to be studying this book for the O Levels...it's very inspirational and engaging.

Happy Mother's Day. =)

12:26 PM;

be with myself


cappucino on a rainy day,
snuggles in the warmth of blankets,
hot food in the arms of hunger,
huge umbrella of a stranger,
embraces in the rain,
smiles amidst frowns,
triumphs and singing of the heart

in center


Raindrops like candlewax
Drowning in a
Solid sculpture, you Burning and cold.


Baking skills
Yoga/Electone lessons


*HUGS* TOTAL! *HUGGIES* snuggles & cuddles


amelin =)
fiona =)
ke*hua =)
edwin =)
sim*yee =)
yi*chen =)
anna =)
♥ trains


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Credits: momotea, larafairie.
Images: Foto decadent, deviantart.
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