heart on wings

{Monday, January 28, 2008}

These few days have been nerve-wracking, hazy and even bleak. But I guess I have a clear mind now so that I can submit the online thing to choose to go to the various junior colleges...

Hazy and even bleak because of the non-availability of the subject combinations that I really like, to the extent that I even thought of going to the poly. Hmm...with Victoria Junior out of my reach (2 points short), I can totally forget doing the Theatre Studies thing. Anyway, I'm shy so it's okay. Lol. So I thought of doing H2 Bio, Lit, Econs and H1 Math. But this subject combination ain't available anywhere..the closest is St. Andrew Junior...-_- So so now I'm thinking of doing H2 Lit, Math, Econ and H1 History...eww I don't like history but now it seems I have to make do with it...

Later on I'm gonna submit my online form (finally), with Temasek Junior as first choice, followed by Meridian Junior and Anderson Junior......

Okay I ditched the Humanities Scholarship thing because it's so troublesome and not really worth the trouble? Wanted to apply for it because I wanted to learn French lol...

Hmm...these days have left me totally confused and undecided on the future, but I'm really thankful that my mom has always stood by me, even helping me select the rest of the junior colleges that will be convenient for me. Thinking back on the preparing-for-the-O-level days, my parents have gave me a lot of their support...with my father fetching me dutifully to school every single day and at times when school ended really late, he waited for me patiently in his car and he ensured that I have fruits (namely apples which he sliced for me every day) so that I don't get sick...and my mom helping me to massage my strained neck and shoulders and now giving me advice on what to decide for the future...

Though I threw tantrums saying I don't wanna go anywhere since I grew frustrated by the day,
my mom played along with me and told me that my future is kinda bleak since I'm going for the arts stream (yeah yeah everyone is like "Why go arts stream when you're in the science stream?") and she asked me to go to the University and find a nice dude to marry and be done with life. -_-

I was thinking, why the hell should my future be bleak? I can either be a psychologist/journalist/writer/teacher/professor...or just like she said, find a partner in the University and be a bride. Lol...

Hmm...2 years in junior college...how will it be like? Will it pass by so fast that I forget the ever existence of the emptiness in my heart?

9:15 AM;

{Friday, January 25, 2008}

Okay, I'm finally in the right shape and mind (but still a bit confused mind) to write this memorable post...

23rd Jan 2008 At night
I had a weird dream. In my dream, I could vaguely but clearly see the O Level results slip. Some B4 grades, I could remember...and I couldn't remember the rest of my dream...but I knew I woke up from the dream as I was crying. -_-

24th Jan 2008 10am
Skipped school, played truant because I didn't want to go to school on the day of collecting results. Called Ah Ma after I woke up and had a good talk with her on the phone.

Got online and chatted with some primary school friends and classmates, wishing them and all.

Went to bathe and get ready to meet En Yi, Xiao Qian for lunch before going to beloved Dunman.

Met together and had lunch at the food court. With anxiety overwhelming us, my hands felt cold and my lips turned pale and Xiao Qian had no appetite to eat but En Yi was okay. Lol. Although we heard good news from my junior that our school did very well...we were still feeling scared and nervous...we're thinking, what if we're the minority who did badly?

Reached Dunman and the makeshift canteen was already filled with lots of people. Felt all the more scared and anxious till I almost wanted to cry already...freaking out a bit. But was super happy that I was able to see all the Dunmanites again...for the last time. Talked a lot with Alwina because I didn't see her in school for 2 days and thought whatever happened to her and I talked a lot with my classmates yeah...wanted to cry when Amelin's father called me to kinda console me and Amelin...

For whatever reason that was kept hidden from us, almost all the female teachers, including the Principal, wore red clothes. And our bio teacher told us that it was a good day...and the presentation slide show began. Oh man, I will miss my Principal. She talked with her voice that can almost take all your troubles away, so soothing...and then she showed us the statistics on how well our school has done. The enthusiasm of everyone was almost tangible even though the makeshift canteen was open air. Yeah, and some tears rolled down at this point in time. So happy for the school and some of my classmates yet so scared to see my results.

About that time, I collected my results. Hastily signed and my bio teacher gave me the results slip. In my mind I was like, "Hey this doesn't make sense to me at all" because of anxiety. Then it seemed difficult to tear the stupid form properly in order to open it. Was crying while opening...okay this sounds so stupid now...then I opened it finally. I cried loudly (or was it a howl?)...I was shocked I guess? So embarrassing...I think one junior was shocked of my reaction and luckily, got Fiona to hug since she was standing beside me. Oh my goodness, thank you.

Yeah I was so shocked and happy that I got my favourite number for my L1R5. Seems like my mom's dream proved that dreams are opposite of reality? Lol. Couldn't control for crying tears of joy for about 15 minutes then some Dunmanites and teachers thought I was sad over my results...lol. And I promised my mom that I would call her once I knew my results but in the end, she called me (but I was still crying lol) yeah.

I told Mr Latiff that I will miss him and we shook hands. =) I shook hands with many of my classmates and Dunmanites too. And the best of all, I got the honour to hug my darling Principal.

My overreacted reaction upon seeing the results is because I was prepared to get at most a L1R5 of 15...yeah. Quite a lot of people got single digits too, the most popular number is 7 I think. Yeah but I'm so happy that I got 9 - 9/9/91 lol...

I felt really sad that it was the last time every Dunmanite was meeting again at Dunman...

The future still seems hazy at the moment...because I dunno which junior college to go. I even considered poly yesterday, which was crazy because I dunno exactly which course to specialise in. Ah, my dream college seems so near yet so far...but I'm feeling intimidated by it. Yeah so many mixed feelings, so many thoughts but I can't let them go...

9:29 PM;

{Monday, January 21, 2008}

"Please Hear What I'm Not Saying -
Don't be fooled by me.
Don't be fooled by the face I wear.
For I wear a mask, a thousand masks,
masks that I'm afraid to take off,
and none of them is me.
Pretending is an art that's second nature to me,
but don't be fooled.
For God's sake don't be fooled.
I give you the impression that I'm secure,
that confidence is my name and coolness is my game,
that the water's calm and I'm in command,
and that I need no one.
But don't believe me.
My surface may seem smooth but my surface
is my mask, ever-varying and ever-concealing.
Beneath lies no complacence.
Beneath lies confusion and fear and aloneness.
But I hide this. I don't want anybody to know it.
I panic at the thought of my weakness and fear being exposed.
That's why I frantically create a mask to hide behind,
a nonchalant sophisticated facade, to help me pretend,
to shield me from the glance that knows.
But such a glance is precisely my salvation.
My only hope, and I know it.
That is, if it's followed by acceptance,
if it's followed by love.
It's the only thing that can liberate me from myself,
from my own self-built prison walls,
from the barriers I so painstakingly erect.
It's the only thing that will assure me
of what I can't assure myself,
that I'm really worth something.
I don't like to hide.
I don't like to play superficial phony games.
I want to stop playing them.
I want to be genuine and spontaneous and me,
but you've got to help me.
You've got to hold out your hand
even when that's the last thing I seem to want.
Only you can wipe away from my eyes
the bland stare of the breathing dead.
Only you can call me into aliveness.
Each time you're kind and gentle and encouraging,
each time you try to understand because you really care,
my heart begins to grow wings, very small wings,
very feeble wings,
but wings!
With your power to touch me into feeling
you can breathe life into me.
I want you to know that.
Who am I, you may wonder.
I am someone you know very well.
For I am every man you meet,
and I am every woman you meet."

A long long long poem indeed, with really deep hidden meanings that I can totally relate to right now and forever. Have been looking into the book of Chicken Soup currently for some soul-searching...since I'm like going to face a turning point in my life very soon now and the current feeling is like a question mark and an exclamation mark.

Feeling like a lost soul that does not seem to have enough courage, enough energy to face the turning point in life...yet rather relieved that the impasse is going to be over soon...

I hate these kinda unknown situations...and things that happen on these kinda situations are mostly unexpected!!! Okay, no matter, I'm already mentally and emotionally and spiritually prepared for the worst......my mom had a dream that I scored 19 points for the O Levels okay.......................................

How did I manage to endure the waiting period for the PSLE results? I was like cool, calm and ready to brave anything...seems like childhood innocence did the trick.

6:18 PM;

{Friday, January 18, 2008}

"Paint Brush-
I keep my paint brush with me
Wherever I may go,
In case I need to cover up
So the real me doesn't show.
I'm so afraid to show you me,
Afraid of what you'll do- that
You might laugh or say mean things.
I'm afraid I might lose you.
I'd like to remove all my paint coats
To show you the real, true me,
But I want you to try and understand,
I need you to accept what you see.
So if you'll be patient and close your eyes,
I'll strip off all my coats real slow.
Please understand how much it hurts
To let the real me show.
Now my coats are all stripped off.
I feel naked, bare and cold,
And if you still love me with all that you see,
You are my friend, pure as gold.
I need to save my paint brush, though,
And hold it in my hand,
I want to keep it handy
In case somebody doesn't understand.
So please protect me, my dear friend
And thanks for loving me true,
But please let me keep my paint brush with me
Until I love me, too."

"Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for a while and leave footprints on our hearts. And we are never, ever the same."

Chicken Soup

8:45 PM;

{Saturday, January 05, 2008}

Well well, where shall I start off first, talking about my temporary new school?

...Let's start off with talking about it as a whole! The design of the school is kinda confusing and weird, somewhat like a diamond circular shape and it is very huge, like twice the size of Dunman? And everywhere is of the same shade of aqua green and everywhere looks the same, which made us feeling quite lost for the first day.

Alright, the first two days were orientation, so we did our own group cheers (by the way, I'm in Zeus! Which reminds me of the 2005 LTC camp! Haha) and sang the school song and played games. The school has a sort of exuberant and yippie spirit, all thanks to the student council lol. The group leaders were really nice and funny and enthusiastic...oh and Kim Wakerman, the kids central girl, is like stunning! Yeah, there were many laughters and smiles during the orientation and I made quite a few new friends. =)

The canteen has a huge huge variety of food! Like thrice the variety of Dunman's? And then there's also the cafe where there are nice food smells lol. And some of the teachers there have really funny surnames like Pink and Gay, lol!

And yesterday was the start of introductory lectures and oh by the way, I passed the Theatre Studies and Drama test! Goodness, 'coz the test was like a play passage and it's sort of like a literature test but my brain was like not functioning (rusty I reckon) so I'm really glad that I passed the test! Okay and then I took the Knowledge and Inquiry test too (oh my goodness it's like an argumentative and discussion essay mixed with your own deep "profound" and "wise" thinking???) Well I think I didn't pass the test, 'coz there's no phone calls!

Oh the auditorium is really huge! A bit intimidating yeah and cold...it can seat like 200 people! Okay so yesterday's introductory lectures were kinda relaxing, no homework, no serious lecture haha luckily...except for H2 Maths which I didn't choose. Lol. So my subjects chosen are Theatre Studies, Literature, Economics and H1 Maths...I hope I won't freak out next week which is the official starting of classes and lessons...lol.

Yesterday we had to choose our CCAs in the afternoon when we attended the CCA 'gallery' haha. Goodness, I chose Dance and Shooting (which most Dunman people decided to do together haha) when I already had Drama due to the passing of the TSD test! Haha, I reckon for the first few weeks, it's okay to manage...

Oh and I went back to Dunman twice already...once to have lunch lol! It's such a nice feeling to have when everything around you is very familiar...

1:54 PM;

{Tuesday, January 01, 2008}

What will 2008 bring for me, for everyone of us? Well, I guess only time will tell but I hope that this new year will be a year filled with action and adventure and excitement! Perhaps it's due to the lucky number eight...haha. =)

So has the previous holiday, the post major exam period, been a fruitful one? Let's see...I have yet to finish reading the last book of Harry Potter (I know) and I have yet to finish watching the re-runs of Winter Sonata and I have yet to go to Escape Theme Park and Wild Wild Wet and swimming and gym-ing, but on top of all these yet-to-dos, I have gone shopping with my mom and friends, hanging out with friends and spending a great time together, got a part-time job experience, read some storybooks, dilly-dallied the day away, played Sims 2 feverishly, surfed the Net feverishly too and...relaxing and daydreaming? And opening up my eyes to see the world (not literally sheesh)... I guess it's been a fruitful holiday as I'm feeling contented and all. Yay! =))

And it's really time to embrace the new year...tomorrow shall be the first day of school again! Oh well, I'm really really really really really!!! sad that I will not be going back to the all-so-familiar-and-homey Dunman anymore to start school...instead it would be Tampines Junior College. =( Just typing the college seems really weird and strange, ah, time really flies. Will be trying that college out for the first 3 (or 6) weeks before getting back the dreaded results. Haha. Yeah, the previous holiday has been an impasse but now, it's a new beginning altogether already! Oh well...I hope everything goes well tomorrow and I may have a chance to go back to Dunman...as a visitor boooo.

Just came back from an outing with a big group of friends; Amelin, Xiao Qian, Puay Suan, Alwina, Cindy, Xiao Ting, Samuel, Ke Hua, Susie...since we're all going off to different colleges for the first few weeks while others are waiting to go to polytechnics...ahhh! I will definitely miss all my dunman friends and classmates and teachers! The pain of separation boohoo... =(((

Okay enough of all the soppy emotions. We gathered in the morning and went to Cathay to buy tickets for the movie "Alien V.S. Predation II", our first NC16 movie! Haha, actually after seeing the movie and admitting that the movie is really gross and bloody and vulgar and violent and definitely a freak show, I don't really understand the full story of it, just the fighting between freaks and freaks scaring freaks thing...so I guess in the end, I still prefer the movie "I am Legend". Yeah.

Oh well, after the movie, some of us went to the dunno-what Istana museum thingy while a minority of us wanted to go to the beach. The rest then went home and then the beach people, including self, met up with Fiona and Daphne, the rest of the beach people. Haha. When we reached the beach, it was drizzling! Damn. But we did not go home; we went walking around looking for a spacious area near the sea. So we sat on a wide rocky 'platform' overlooking the sea and it was very windy with light rain hitting our faces haha.

And then Daphne becomes wild!

And then she suggested posing with our wind-swept hair.

Kiwi didn't want to take picture with us so we asked him to be the photographer! Haha.

I love this picture! Have that kinda holiday resort feeling with the background and our wind-swept hair.

Yeah and we went to Macdonalds to chill out after visiting the beach for a small while and then went back home.

Oh so this is how my hair looks from the back! Taken by self using the timer function..don't mind the background haha. Eh I hope no one mistakes me for an afro-chinese tomorrow when I go to school with a high ponytail. Haha. Will laugh my ass off.

7:44 PM;

Ah..the wonder of the waves...threatening yet teasing at the same time.

I guess I was inspired by the waves at the beach? Partly...but I have been thinking of having wavy hair for quite some time...since the hard-core nerdy insane mugging period? Haha. My previous flat hair was quite a nuisance, and I'm glad to have gotten rid of it. =) I kinda like my current bubbly hair? Haha.

Messy is the new neat, I dare say! I wonder how people would react to my new hair.. =)

Anyways now is the new year~ so everything shall be new yay

12:27 AM;

be with myself


cappucino on a rainy day,
snuggles in the warmth of blankets,
hot food in the arms of hunger,
huge umbrella of a stranger,
embraces in the rain,
smiles amidst frowns,
triumphs and singing of the heart

in center


Raindrops like candlewax
Drowning in a
Solid sculpture, you Burning and cold.


Baking skills
Yoga/Electone lessons


*HUGS* TOTAL! *HUGGIES* snuggles & cuddles


amelin =)
fiona =)
ke*hua =)
edwin =)
sim*yee =)
yi*chen =)
anna =)
♥ trains


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