♥ heart on wings

I've been living with a shadow overhead
I've been sleeping with a cloud above my bed
I've been lonely for so long
Trapped in the past I just can't seem to move on
I've been watching but the stars refuse to shine
I've been searching but I just don't see the signs
I know that it's out there
There's gotta be something for my soul somewhere...

7:32 PM;

Cable-skiing was really thrilling, both fun and scary. Went to school early in the morning and then my father warned me that I might drown. -_-, of course I didn't. I'm lucky, I didn't have any bruises or cuts when some girls had. Just that my arms are aching like anything and I slept for 11 hours after a long day yesterday. Had about eight tries for cable-skiing; the first four tries were on a kneeboard, the easiest I suppose. Just kneel on the board and hold on to the cable-rope thing. The first 2 attempts failed and the 3rd attempt I could go quite far. Went the furthest with the 4th/5th attempt. =) Oh man, the speed of the cable thing is like very fast on the water and I'm kind of scared of speed, you know, I will get that kinda heart-wants-to-jump-out feeling. Even in a fast-moving car, I will bowl over in my arms and in rollercoasters, I will scream and cover my eyes with my hands and bowl over. -_- Lame I know. So during cable-skiing, I was screaming all the way; was the only way to get rid of the heart-wants-to-jump-out feeling what. Ha. The last few tries were on a wakeboard and double-skis. Fell into the water in just a few seconds for that.

After cable-skiing, went with my life-saving people to NUS to watch the seniors take part in the national lifesaving competition with various jcs and polys and universities. Eh, it was rather boring after a while but my life-saving people never fail to make me laugh till stomachache and make my day. =)) Like them a lot a lot. Haha. And eh, I can't really imagine myself taking part in the nationals because it's a compulsory thing. It would be funny. -_- But first, I have to pass the Bronze Medallion and I secretly hope I won't pass so I won't need to go for the nationals haha, but no. I guess it would be better to go with the whole team. =)

Yawn. Tomorrow's the start of another term. Good though. A term will end quickly as it began.

7:06 PM;

Yay! Finally the mid-years have ended. Haha, although I'm apprehensive about literature!? (blanked out on the unseen poetry part) and chinese(didn't study) and history(sick of writing and thinking)...math the least I guess 'cause I think I prepared the most for it? Mid-years feel a lot more relaxed than any dunman exam and it's quite bad. Means my attitude is bad. Never study hard enough. Lol. Maybe arts students don't need to do so many TYS questions or do hands-on stuff, just reading? Maybe. But our hands will be like twisted. =)

And after the last paper today, sat for the A Levels Chinese Oral. I love the school, informed us about 2 days before. Anyway, it's not really difficult but I guess my chinese oral deproved a lot because I rarely speak chinese in school now. -_- So yeah, the chinese structure and all. And one of my invigilators was my chinese teacher from Tampines Junior!! It's really good to know it's really a small world after all. =))

Today is a happy day. =) After the oral exam, went for life-saving cca and it's the first time I wore the new team swimming costume and it's um, a bit too revealing?(sexy??) -_- But woah, it really makes you swim a lot faster because it's that kinda high-cut-on-the-thighs costume. Practiced on towing and woah, I could tow a guy now ('cause my partner was not present)! Woo. Okay, sounds really wrong but it means I'm much stronger than before! Haha, good. I'm not a weakling now. And damsel in distress is not really good anyway. =) Haha, fun day for cca today. Not so pressurising yet a great sense of satisfaction. Tomorrow will be better! PE elective: cable-skiing at East Coast! Woo. Cool. Oh remember the sunblock though! Ha.

11:14 PM;

It's finally the mid-years. And then promos will come next, followed by the A Levels and then out of this school I go! Haha. Right. First time taking an exam in a new college with a bigger hall, 42 ceiling lights, ridiculous. And yes I counted because the paperwork processing during General Paper yesterday was so useless. While seated at the hall, suddenly remembered the mid-years for A Math back at Dunman and everywhere I turned, I know the people in the same level. And now I don't. Great. So it's better to concentrate I guess. Lol. General Paper was okay, had the mood for it. In case you're wondering, the mood should be quirky and bitchy. Ha! The comprehension was boring though, which will equal to a bit hard. Lol.

And today was the oh crap oh my oh no oh shit shit shit day. History. Though it's a H1 paper which is supposed to be easier, it's like crap. Forced-to-take-subject-because-I-won't-take-physics-or-chemistry-and-now-must-suffer-fate-of-doing-3-essays-in-2hour15min-torture. Great. Fabulous. No wonder they call it the Advanced Levels, and the desired length (bullshit they want both quantity and quality of your work not just quality) is 4 pages per essay. Which means 12 pages in 2hour15min?? Woah, I must quickly morph into an efficient lengthy essay-churning-no-life-machine. Was quite surprised at how I managed to finish all the essays although each of them is only 2 pages. Too many details, too little time, too much pain on my middle finger (6 pages you know). And now I have the adversion to writing essays. I need to love the process of writing essays, how? Ha. Still have econs and chinese and literature you know.

1:34 PM;

I've been coming to accept my stockier frame and tanned body until now. I've been blocking out those pleas from my family members to stop putting on anymore weight until now. That's it. I'm sick, sick, fucking sick of hearing "Please stop eating so much, eat less, look at you, your thighs are so fat now," And from today onwards I've made my decision, I hope you'll regret it. I will: eat only either mee or bread for lunch; no rice for lunch, a scoop of rice for dinner with little or no meat (as in chicken, pork), lots of fruits and vegetables, no snacks after breakfast and lunch, no more cheese, chocolate, ice-cream...anymore suggestions? Thanks a lot. I would want my 45kg frame back, if not, lesser. Then everyone will be happy.

And fucking stop asking me to quit my life-saving cca so that I will stop gaining weight. Isn't it fucking sad that your family members do not support your decisions wholly? Those half-hearted decisions/heck-care decisions, well, that's why I don't ask you for your opinions on my decisions anymore. You wanted me to go to the science stream and seems ashamed that I'm in the arts stream now. So what? That's why I didn't even bother to tell you the subjects I chose for the A Levels. You will still say they are useless subjects anyway. And I am useless, and my future is bleak, like fucking bleak.

12:51 AM;

It's hard to remember how it felt before
Now I found the love of my life
Passes things, get more comfortable
Everything is going right
And after all the obstacles
It's good to see you now with someone else
And it's such a miracle that you and me are still good friends
After all that we've been through
I know we're cool
We used to think it was impossible
Now you call me by my new last name
Memories seem like so long ago
Time always kills the pain
Remember Harbor Boulevard
The dreaming days where the mess was made
Look how all the kids have grown, oh
We have changed but we're still the same
After all that we've been through
I know we're cool
And I'll be happy for you
If you can be happy for me
Circles and triangles
And now we're hanging out with your new girlfriend
So far from where we've been
I know we're cool...

This song is realistic, and reality is often far from being perfect, way off...so you're still expecting to marry a one-and-only guy?? Lol.

11:02 PM;

Damn, noone from the first group passed the Bronze Medallion overall. Ha, I failed the first event by 15 seconds. 3:15 for you to strip off your clothing, take your bloody clothing with you and swim like freak to the other side of the pool to save your victim by towing her with your bloody clothing. I swear I saw stars after that, white little ones in my vision and my thighs hurt like knives because I swam freestyle with all my endurance (haha girl you could only survive on that for half a lap); normally during practice I used breast stroke. Was hyperventilating upon completing the tow. Sheesh, sucker. My timing improved a lot though, from 4:22 to 3:31. Sheesh.

Anyway, before the swimming part, the instructor took a loooong time on CPR. 2 hours. And then came the theory part. Half an hour. Not counting that he was late for half an hour. Thought I didn't need to do the rest of the events but the instructor didn't say anything. Oh, the instructor is really nice, far from how he looks and all. Not that kinda instructor who would fail you immediately for one mistake. He took effort to tell us on what went wrong and emphasized on the correct things to remember and all. And he allowed us to wear goggles. =) Okay, luckily he's going to test us again. So I was already shagged after the first event; the second event nearly got me drowned. Got no breath to reassure my partner and then kept on sinking while contact-towing my partner and drank a lot and choke a lot. Damn, I thought I was going to die or something. Though the second event had no timing, it took me like forever to tow my victim by putting her head on my shoulder. And I did a really weird thing. Cannot 'tahan' then I released my partner twice and swam to the side to rest for a while. Lol.

And then luckily like a blessing, the instructor asked us to switch roles. By right, the events must be completed simultaneously and there's three events altogether. So had time to recover. Lol. But we did the third event like three times due to some error and all. Lol. So not much of a blessing actually. Shagged. Shagged, shagged! Third event was swim about one third of the pool so not so bad and this one can 'tahan' freestyle and surface dive down and go behind your 'unconscious' partner and extend-chin-tow her to the surface of the pool and do water resuscitation and land her. Luckily can wear goggles or else I could have failed the surface dive. Lol.

Damn, must do everything again and face the pain again. Hope the next round please don't make us swim at 12 noon with the blistering heat that made me dehydrated after the first event already. So burnt now. Freaking freaking tanned and dark red skin. Didn't apply sunblock, no time to apply. Sheesh. Must apply the next round. Must. And I'm bloody shagged.

8:21 PM;

Happened to look through the archives of the beginning of this year and thought, damn, so many things happened within a few months. Like a week that feels like a month that kind of feeling. And some words from acknowledged poems seem to speak out to me, still or maybe even stronger.

I'm so afraid to show you me, Afraid of what you'll do- that You might laugh or say mean things.I'm afraid I might lose you. And if you still love me with all that you see, You are my friend, pure as gold.
You've got to hold out your hand even when that's the last thing I seem to want. Only you can call me into aliveness. Each time you're kind and gentle and encouraging, each time you try to understand because you really care, my heart begins to grow wings, but wings! With your power to touch me into feeling you can breathe life into me.

Irregardless, I'm finally moving on. With renewed confidence, coolness yeah. Maybe because of life-saving, I've found strength in life...and maybe because I'm physically stronger now ha. Anyways, I'm feeling so summery because of life-saving. Summer fever for summer fashion lol.

I'm going to put you in this space at the back of my head, or rather, your shadowy existence...until maybe years later down the road, I meet you, the whole tangible you, again.

11:38 PM;

11:59 PM;

Okay, I can't believe I'm doing a post about guys. Sheesh, like really. First post eh. Anyway, was feeling crappy and critical today. Mood worsened when I watched some chinese superstar show. Like really. The guys are like, insert-put-off-pissed-off-expression? Okay, this is really subjective but I really don't like the look of guys with long and monkey-like hair so wild and covering their already small eyes? And they look so scarily feminine.

10:15 PM;

Check it out. It's da day out with da girls! Lol. Didn't mean to sound so girlish but anyway, went out with Xiao Ting, Amelin The Late Queen, Cindy, Puay Suan today. Started off really late like 3 in the afternoon and it's past midnight now and I've just got home at about 11 feeling like blogging so yeah. Convoluted-piece-of-shit paragraph, forgive me.

12:26 AM;

Indulged in laziness today. Nice, warm, snuggling feeling yet a tad guilty about not doing any work at all but reading a storybook, managing to finish it within three days woohoo. I would like more of these days...so carefree, solitary, peaceful...

Read Remember Me? and I thought it was about romance but was wrong but the book is really witty and a nice catch-up on good old teeny preppy days. Makes me sound so old. Lol. Then this music really adds to the laziness in me. Cuddle cuddle, snuggle snuggle...with no one in particular, excuse me. Lol. Maybe if you count Mister Gurly =).



Time can take its toll on the best of us
Look at you, you're growing old so young
Traffic lights blink at you in the evening
You tilt your head and turn it to the sun

Sometimes the tv is like a lover
Singing softly as you fall asleep
You wake up in the morning and it's still there
Adding up the things you'll never be

Alright, I can say what you want me to
Alright, I can do all the things you do
Alright, I'll make it all up for you
I'm still in love with you
I'm still in love with you...

10:41 PM;

Crap. Leavin' by Jesse Mccartney is stuck in my head. I love the chorus too much I guess. =)

And then these words pop into my head after listening to the chorus: If all we have is leaving, will we come back again?

*...Why don't you tell him that I'm leavin', never to come back again...Oh oh oh...*


Acoustic song versions are always better. =)) And he looks like Tom Felton (Draco Malfoy) for a while and his voice is like, i-want-someone-to-sing-to-me-like-this kinda voice... okay.

Okay, the point of this post is I went cycling with Alwina today. At East Coast yeah. =) Deprived-me-of-childhood says this is the first time going cycling at East Coast. Abish. Lol. The speed devil exclusively-only-for-cycling in me was so thrilled. Muahaha. Lol.

9:12 PM;

Sometimes I wonder why I'm so shy to express my feelings openly and freely without restrictions, constraints, shyness...

And I know why. It's because I don't even have the habit of those Americans, hugging and kissing their family members and loved ones.

Sheesh and lol.

11:35 PM;

Have sort of sort out my thoughts now......finally. Feeling so much more at peace with self and contentment is on the way now I hope...

Come what come may, time and the hour runs through the roughest day.

No matter what happens.

So girl, cut out the reminiscing-about-the-previous-and-the-missing bits out of your life right now and look ahead and never look back. Must be brave girl. For you know, you can and you will eventually be smiling at the end of the day.

And don't be afraid to go all out on the journey of college life because before you know it, it will end soon.

But do remember to love your family and loved ones more...

10:13 PM;

Oh no, why am I suddenly so obssessed with Jesse Mccartney's face, which is supposed to be an oh-so-passe thing to do?? Must be my time attention span on homework and highly-irritated-by-math mood. And his voice in Beautiful Soul is soooooo....



-_-. Your face eh. =)

A totally pointless post lol.

Wait...



The bottomline: Suicidal.

3:45 PM;

be with myself

Affirmation

cappucino on a rainy day,
snuggles in the warmth of blankets,
hot food in the arms of hunger,
huge umbrella of a stranger,
embraces in the rain,
smiles amidst frowns,
sincerity..
triumphs and singing of the heart

clarity

Raindrops like candlewax
Drowning in a
Solid sculpture, you Burning and cold.

peace

Independence
Health
Baking skills
Yoga/Electone lessons
Love
Faith
Happiness

serenity.

*HUGS* TOTAL! *HUGGIES* snuggles & cuddles

.::.
Cousin ♥
amelin =)
fiona =)
ke*hua =)
edwin =)
sim*yee =)
yi*chen =)
anna =)
♥ trains

.::.