heart on wings

{Thursday, April 28, 2005}

Dear Diar2,
Today was like a bad dream...haha...not really. Mixed feelings swirling over me when we were about to perform. My heart lumbered a beat faster and my hands got all sticky and sweaty. I was like getting an athsma attack. Gosh, are we gonna play well or what? Thoughts were running through my mind. Once we entered the stage, it was like a dream. Unbelievable. The audience seats weren't even filled and it was like another rehearsal to me. We smiled and took our seats. 5 minutes passed by, and the thing was over. We got a silver award for Guitar. Yeah, right. Silver. Shiny, shimmering silver. Syf Silver... hmm... I don't like it at all... we were like striving and hoping for a gold award to please the whole school and Mrs Neo... but we didn't make it... sob sob... why must my academic results and Syf results suck to the core? Whassup with this year? I was going to practically cry as the idiot woman announced our results. My heart lurched forward and a hard rock hit the bottom of my stomach. Silver, did I hear wrongly or not? We wanted gold for guitar, we've spent so many hours and sleepless nights going through the songs over and over again... we have sort of perfected it but still, we got a silver... sheesh... this is so depressing... however, some people still hoorayed for us when we got back to school... and we were like so touched... like what Mrs Lin said, our silver is a high silver, not a low one, that means we were only 6 marks different from a gold award... how pathetic could that be? Aww... stupid six... Mrs Neo saw us stepping out from the air-con bus like total retards... we were half dead, like zombies, so she forked out a hundred fifty to treat us to pizza! So kind... thank you so much for your kindness, however, your kindness isn't repaid... but rest assured that you would have a nice surprise 2 years later! And to our dear dear dear conductor, Uncle Lim, Please Do Not Leave Us In The Lurch! You are such a GREAT conductor, a friendly and nice conductor... please, guide us in the future so we will achieve a Gold!

10:13 PM;

{Tuesday, April 26, 2005}

Dear Diar2,
Oh gosh. Why do I feel so hurt? Is it because of the people around me saying wrong things to me? Or is it because of the results that I got which was damn bloody wrong? I think it's both. Watever, I can't express the pain I'm feeling right now from the bottom of my heart. Doctors, is there a hole in my heart somewhere?
And to people who always complain to me about their poor, lousy results. STOP WHINING, coz' you're just making me feel worse. YOUR RESULTS ARE CONSIDERED OKAY, WHY PICK ON MY FEELINGS AND HURT ME? DON'T SHOW OFF YOUR RESULTS IN THIS MANNER TO MY MEDIOCRE RESULTS. you hurt me. you hurt me. you hurt me.
I'm gonna prove it to everyone that I'm gonna be the top 10 in my class. Just wait and see, coz' I just can't tolerate this no more.

5:25 PM;

{Sunday, April 24, 2005}

Don't Tell Me Your Pain

Ooh, ooh
Why do people always
make me hurt and upset?
And wanna make me feel so bad?
Trapped in an atmosphere
Which I am totally lost
So totally hurt
So totally tired
I can't express the pain
Can't express the pain
I'm feeling right now

Don't tell me your pain
It's not worth it coz'
I can't feel it
I'm broken right now
If you can feel it
tell me all about it
and tell me whether it hurts
more than mine...

I hate to listen to my feelings
which is
something I am craving
it just breaks me down
I'm not gonna be what
You want me to be
Coz' you have no right
To tell me...

Don't tell me your pain
It's not worth it coz'
I can't feel it
I'm broken right now
If you can feel it
tell me all about it
tell me whether it hurts more than mine...

Wanna bury all my feelings
Into the hardened ground
So I can't feel them
No more...

Composed by: Cai Ling a.k.a. Cassie
(first try, so not that good)

5:47 PM;

{Thursday, April 21, 2005}

Dear Diar2,
These days I'm so busy. No time to blog. Now that I'm blogging, I shall tell you that I'm happy in my place for now. Don't feel so left out now. However, I feel so stressed. So many people in my class is so hardworking and cleverer than me, how am I supposed to be in the top 10 in class? How how how... Feeling stressed and mysterious for now.
Help me baby...I'm so confused...
Mixed feelings is inside me...
feeling helpless...

7:24 PM;

{Tuesday, April 19, 2005}

Dear Diar2,
Muahahhahahah. I always get my way. This is my life, so people must obey. Whatever I wanna do, they must give way to me. Muahahahhahahahah. That's me. Today just changed place. Mr Lew at first was confused as to why I changed place, but I need not say why. Coz' it's confidential. It's kept in my heart. Anyway, I told him crappy reasons and he agreed. Muahahhahahahahah. I finally found my own freedom.

9:49 PM;

{Friday, April 15, 2005}

Dear Diar2,
Sigh...these few days have been so tiring for me....what with the tons of homework and tests...should be breaking down soon...what's been more terrible for me is that I feel like I don't belong in my class...I know it's kinda weird for me to say it but...I feel so left out. Yeah, right. I finally said it. I feel so left out in class. I'm like sitting with a bunch of people who aren't really my friends but now, I'm really trying hard to make new friends from my class! The problem is that they don't seem to like me...or even bother to know that I existed. It's really depressing to feel that you're trying very hard to make friends, but at the same time, you feel so left out like a fish out of the tank and they don't treat you as friends. I'm not pointing fingers at anyone particularly, but it's what I feel. So I really wanna change place, coz' no point sitting there, pretending very hard to like it and laugh it out loud. I couldn't stand this anymore.

6:33 PM;

{Tuesday, April 12, 2005}

Dear Diar2,
Oh my god. This is what I can say about the past few days. Homework. Crazy loads of homework. Crazy teacher going too fast. Maybe I'm stupid, you know...coz' I feel like I can't simply catch up with the teacher... here I am ...

6:31 PM;

{Saturday, April 09, 2005}

Dear Diar2,
Went to Changi General Hospital in the morning to do CIP...sigh, we still have 6 more hours to complete by the end of THIS month....what the heck, teachers are giving me SO much pressure...can't take it anymore, gotta break down soon...anyway, after CIP, i was quite happy to go eat lunch with Daphne, Ke Hua, and Samuel. We went to Long John Silver's which was my first time, coz' last time I keep on thinking that long john silvers like very not nice to eat...but i was wrong...haha...
In the afternoon, I went to Popular to buy some assessment books and storybooks...of course I need them...to boost up my english standard and other subjects too...after that, I enjoyed shopping with my mother...bought a lot of earrings and girly stuff...im a crazy shopaholic, remember? A girl who can shop things worth $100 a day...that's how crazed I am about clothes and stuff. The thing that I can't stand shopping today is that whenever I'm looking at some stuff, then people will start to pour in even though a few minutes before I stood there, no one was looking at the stuff...how weird is it? It's like I'm attracting people to look there -_-; and it's pretty frustrating..one minute you're looking at the things you like, and the minuter following, a lotta people are shoving behind you to look at the things you're looking...I was like wth...

10:59 PM;

{Thursday, April 07, 2005}

Dear Diar2,
Long time me no blog already. Wanna let you know that I was too tired the past few weeks to even lay my hands on the keyboard...so sorry...now that I have just woke up from my sleep, I shall tell more about what happened in school. Was so sad to know about my common test results...it suck big time...I also dunno what has happened to my grades...drop until like hell, so now gonna revise daily in order to keep up with my fellow classmates...they all so clever, get to top 10 class position...man, why do I suck so badly? Anyway, enough of my results whining. Whining is useless....like crying over split milk....gotta tell myself not to cry over results slip no more...
School is getting more boring and boring...sigh, I can't stand it myself anymore...why is life so difficult for me? My class is like the most boring class I have ever been to in my whole life...everyone's like so quiet and doesn't care about their surroundings...sigh...I have not made much friends in class...yet, I hope. Hope to meet more new friends from this new smarty pants class. Hope that the teachers understand us and tell us about the mistakes that we have made, and not critisize us and say that we are lousy in some subjects. Also, hope that my class isn't that studious and indivisualistic....

11:18 PM;

{Friday, April 01, 2005}

Dear Diar2,
Finally my blog is back...perfectly done! So all of my dear2 friends can tag at my millon dollar tagboard...haha...and admire my background music and cursor...all my friends so jealous that I am a pro at HTML...cannot help it...last time since I was p3 I learnt HTML from Neopets and created my first ever neopet pet page...too bad it got abandoned by a frickin' someone...so I was so angry and I quit playing Neopets already...so you people won't say I'm childish..:P that's it for now...bye

11:58 PM;

be with myself


cappucino on a rainy day,
snuggles in the warmth of blankets,
hot food in the arms of hunger,
huge umbrella of a stranger,
embraces in the rain,
smiles amidst frowns,
triumphs and singing of the heart

in center


Raindrops like candlewax
Drowning in a
Solid sculpture, you Burning and cold.


Baking skills
Yoga/Electone lessons


*HUGS* TOTAL! *HUGGIES* snuggles & cuddles


amelin =)
fiona =)
ke*hua =)
edwin =)
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yi*chen =)
anna =)
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Credits: momotea, larafairie.
Images: Foto decadent, deviantart.
Since 31st March'06
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