heart on wings

{Wednesday, March 29, 2006}

Suddenly, it dawned on me.
Beauty is what I see now.
Life isn't always what you desire, seeking perfection in life.
Life doesn't want you to grow into a seedling easily destroyed by the winds and rain.
Instead, life wants you to grow into a seedling which is capable of withstanding the rough weather.
The sadistic fog that has recently blurred my vision is clearing off now.
I am able to see, to breathe, to hear again.
I am able to see the beautiful side of things. I am even amazed at my bay window view.
The volcano is just majestic. The sapphire waters? Heavenly.

It doesn't matter anymore.
The results slip has been handed up to the teacher.
The next thing I should do is to improve.
Improve on my grades, is all.

I was really touched by the messages my friends posted on my taggieboard.
They were really meaningful and touching messages.
I didn't know many do care for me.
I didn't know many would be disappointed with me.
I didn't know I have hurt some.
I'm really sorry, if I have caused any pains to you.
I promise I won't be sad again.
I promise.

When I found you, I found, the closest thing to heaven.
Yes, I knew, I found, the deepest love I knew.
I found myself, when I found you.

I love you all.

10:02 PM;

{Monday, March 27, 2006}

English - C6
Chinese - C6
A.Maths - A1
E.Maths - A1
Biology - B3
Chemistry - E8
Physics - B3
Combined Humanities - B4

I know you despise me.
You. The one staring at my blog.
I know you do.
You're secretly sniggering away after reading my Common Test results, aren't I right.
You're celebrating with confettis and stuff, aren't I right.
You're pretending to sympathize with me, but actually, you are happy for me, aren't I right.
You may say I'm thinking too much, and I can't deny that I am.
But who in the world will really sympathize with me?
Unless you're living in a slacker environment.

I cried after my form teacher gave the slip of paper to me.
It was horrifically filled with underlines. (For those whose asses are yet to be found, underlines mean a fail.)
I cried more when people tried to comfort me.
Because I was really afraid whether they are really sympathizing with me or not.
"At least you have an A1."
"At least you're better than me."
I really dunno.
It's really hard to think positive.
I remembered I studied 1 and a half weeks before the Common Test.
It's really hard to feel comforted by your friends.
Yes, they make you contented a minute, but the next, you'll feel the same again.
To me, my results slip is as worthless as a piece of toilet paper.
I almost wanted to tear it away.

I mean, who doesn't want to do well?
Everybody does.
I know it's no use crying over split milk.
But, I'm not going to let myself off.
I have let myself down terribly.
And, to make up for it, I would submit myself to self-torture.
I really do worship it.
It makes one feel motivated.
Best of all, it lightens the bottled up frustrations inside one's mind.

Do I really have to slog my guts out, to achieve pretty grades?
I really think I do.

6:19 PM;

{Saturday, March 25, 2006}

"You stupid girl, when are you coming back for tuition."
My mom's sms disturbed my handphone.
I went to Escape Theme Park today, to celebrate Xiao Ting's bday. (belated)
I was pissed when I read that sms.
How could a mother treat her daughter this way?
When she asked me to call her, she was like, "Where the hell did u die today?"

I told Amelin about this, and she suspected that I may be an adopted child or something.
But I think it's because she favours boys more than girls? Coz' girls marry off into another family. Anyway, I got to know why she was treating me like that.

I feel so terrible after knowing why.
I came to know that while I was having fun at Escape Theme Park, my mom and brother were both suffering under the 'torture' of my dad.
Both of them complained about how my dad is accumulating many tanks of fishes in the living room, despite the allocated space for a small fountain. You see, my house is small, but my dad is so psycho about fishes that he does this.
My mom threatened to throw away all the fish food and all, and the next moment, my dad blew up.
He pushed my mom and they got into a fight. Belt, smacks and whacks. I shall not elaborate further. He did that to my brother too.
On top of this, he threatened to file for a divorce.
And threatened to throw us out of the house.

I almost cried when I heard it from my brother.
How can my father say that to my mom?
All because of fishes?
He should understand very well that there isn't enough space to put many fish tanks. He should be very happy already, as my mom let him have a space for a fountain. But he wants more.

I long for a happy family.

I don't want a family, shattered into pieces.
I wish for a loving, caring and perfect family.

Because of you, I never stray too far from the sidewalk.
Because of you, I learnt to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt.
Because of you, I find it hard to trust, not only me, but everyone around me.
Because of you, I am afraid.

9:03 PM;

{Thursday, March 23, 2006}

This is a conversation going on between my mom and my brother.

*mom keeps on nagging at my brother for being lazy and not studying for his PSLE*
Mom: "Your sis is not clever; she got 234 just because she worked very hard."
Mom: "You are clever, but lazy."

I sometimes wonder what will happen if I die someday.
Will my mom even realize I'm gone?
Will people cry for me?
Will friends miss me?
Will my family just go on with life, because they still have my brother?

9:27 PM;

{Wednesday, March 22, 2006}

The forlorn, sorrowful drops of emotions
Weave countless memories from the past
They form a melody, a melodious notion
The lips, snow-white and aghast
Whisper notes coated with blood
The eyes, pleading yet blank
Scream black tears that flood
Dance with the lady
To the tune of endless rhapsody

I cannot take it anymore.
I feel like crying it out to the whole world.
I feel like taking a razor knife to ease the pain.
I feel like eating nothing.
I feel like, but the resilient soul is killing me.
I cannot cry, because I know there's weakness in everyone's eyes.
I cannot take a sharp object and inflict pain onto myself again, because I promised people I would cherish my own life.
I cannot starve again, I will get gastric and vomit 4 times, again.
It may seem silly to others that failing English would make a person's life really miserable.
Failing english, literally means, failing every single subject.
It doesn't matter that I've failed Chinese and Chemistry too.
Because, failing english, means I've failed all my subjects.
Which means, I've failed my Common Test.
This may mean happiness and joy to some people, I do fear.
It's a dog-eat-dog world out there, and some people might celebrate your failures.
Some people may even gloat about your failure, saying how happy they feel for you.
People may also despise me.
Because, I've failed English.
I'm oh so stupid.
I feel so inferior to everyone now, I feel almost like a helpless child crying on the streets for her mother.
I'm very, afraid.
I'm scared.
I wish to pour out all my sorrows to somebody, before I do anything silly or life-threatening.
But, there's literally no one to turn to.
Friends? They comfort me, they tell me they've failed English before, but what can they do to ease the overwhelming pain inside?
Family? My mom? I don't wish to tell her about this. I'm afraid that she will despise me, because I've never failed English in my entire life. All the time she's paying extra attention to my brother, who's taking PSLE this year. Even if my brother is not taking PSLE this year, I will not get all her love and attention. I'm always losing to my brother. She's never kissed me before, and said "I love you" to me. But, she has said that to my brother many times. My father? He will just call me lousy.
I do feel for this blog. Whenever I feel down, or happy, I would pour all my emotions into this blog without having this blog to react to it.
I really want someone to save me from this mess, and help me to see the light.
But, there's literally no one for the role.
I'm helpless.
Some of my friends say how pro I am in English.
I think this would prove them wrong.
Some of my friends tell me I am not stupid.
This would also prove them wrong.
I do fear their compliments.
I fear they compliment me because they do not wish to disappoint me.
I feel sorry for this blog.
I've changed its skin to suit my current mood.
I know everyone prefers the happy skin of my blog.
I'm really sorry, I can't be happy anymore.
I can only be happy, when I torture myself.
I deserve it.

7:01 PM;

{Monday, March 20, 2006}

"Romance is in the air -- but not just for anyone. It's in the heavens above you and yours. Don't you dare pass up this opportunity to meet someone new, and don't waste it sitting on the couch. If you're attached, get out there with your sweetie and rekindle the flame. If you're not, find someone you'll be eager to rekindle that flame within several years."

Friendster horoscope is crap.
Today was not at all romantic for me. Not at all.
Instead, today is the first day of the 2nd school term.
And it was natural for me to feel excited about the 2nd school term and all.
I did.
Tables turned eventually.
It was often the time students were dreading, and it came.
Our "fruitful" results.
Should I cry, "HALLELUJAH, THE PRINCESS HAS FAILED 2 SUBJECTS!" or just laugh insanely?
This is so cool. Never in my life have I failed a major exam.
And this year is gonna be my first one.
How cool.
What can I do, except to cry over split milk?
I love this.
What's coming next?
I should look at the bright side.
Failure leads to success.

We have a new student.
She's called Kimberly.
The first thing I notice of her is the colour of her eyes.
They are so special.
What are they called?
Greenish-grey, that's what I think.

Take a look at this.
This is the most romantic, tear-jerker video I've ever seen.
Love can touch us one time, and last for a lifetime. And never let go till we're gone...
Je'taime mon cheri.
I love you, my darling.

Endless Rhapsody
The forlorn, sorrowful drops of emotions
Weave countless memories from the past
They form a melody, a melodious notion
The lips, snow-white and aghast
Whisper notes coated with blood
The eyes, pleading yet blank
Scream black tears that flood
Dance with the lady
To the tune of endless rhapsody


9:26 PM;

{Saturday, March 18, 2006}

I know.
I'm a one big busy princess.
I have been neglecting my blog for the past few days, and I must apologize for it.
Sorry, my dearest readers!
I have not been feeding bits of my life into you.

To express my heartfelt apologies, this is going to be one long entry.

Serenata Four
Woke up at 8am on Thursday.
To prepare for the concert, Serenata Four.
I still remembered my grouchy mood.
I was so tired after shopping with Xiao Ting, Cindy and Amelin that I forgot to bring my uniform along with me! I remembered something was amiss when I was in the car with my father and I begged him to drive back. He was so pissed. "If you don't come back in 5 mins, I will go without you."
I ran all the way, and came back into the car within 5 mins.
Reached school.
Practiced guitar till 12pm.
I was more alert then.
When we were having our lunch, Ting and Xiao Ling kept teasing me.
We changed into our uniforms after lunch.
Prepared to go to Victoria Concert Hall.
We reached there at 2pm.
Practiced guitar again.
It's not really fun, you know.
And now I know the pain performers have to go through.
I can't imagine how freaky the band performers practiced.
Anyway, after the final full dress rehearsal, we ate again.
The teachers then helped us to make-up.
I looked funny with make-up.
My brother could not recognize me when I got home.
Then came the time we had to go on stage.
The feeling was so shivery.
Plus the stage up there felt so cold.
I was numbed all over.
Pity me!
I was like hugging my guitar for goodness sake.
My fingers were frozen.
I stayed like that for 5 mins.
Then, the lights came on.
Our conductor came in.
I was sitting in the front row, so I could see seas of faces behind our conductor.
I was smiling like a freak while playing my guitar.
Finally, it was over.

The next morning, I went cycling with loads of people.
Jocelyn, Vivian, Wendy, Charmaine, Xiao Ting, Cindy, Fiona, Amelin, Suzie, Jon.
Should be lah.
Did not know why Suzie was so into cycling.
Then I came to know that he wanted to accompany his good friend.
I know it's weird to have so many peeps cycling together.
Don't you know, the more the merrier?
We rented bikes at Pasir Ris Park.
Amelin and Cindy did not know how to cycle.
So we were like trying hard to teach them.
Amelin was a fast learner.
Cindy was very determined, alas, her hand and feet coordination pulled her down. =(
It was refreshing to cycle again.
That cool, tinkling feeling on your neck and the carefree swishing of your own hair just rocks.
I'm faster than Amelin, by the way.
She keeps on claiming I'm the slowest.
Pity Fiona. She only rode for 10 mins; she was busy teaching Cindy how to cycle.
I taught both Amelin and Cindy, then I went to cycle.
Loads of things happened.
Dunno what caused Jon's leg to bleed like a fountain.
Dunno what made Cindy feel like puking. (Suzie's face, I suppose)
It was a memorable day anyway.

I was so inspired by Shakesphere's literature that I composed two poems.
You see, I was inspired after studying for literature test.

My love shines like the brightest sky
Adorned with sprinkly stars
A glimmer of hope
A rare phenomenon
Like a shooting star dashed by
Those familiar pretty boy features
Accompanied with the physical presence
Should I brew tears of joy
Or drops of sorrow?
Raptured by that special soul
It was all a fantasy
You just intrigue me

My seated heart
Watches the drops of red ruby
It cries tears of pity
The hand reaches
And offers
They disappear
Fresh ones started to appear
Was beckoned not to interfere
I walked away with much persuasion
But I left my heart behind

I know it does not make any sense, because I composed them after studying literature.
My brain was backfired at that time, so pardon me, if you just don't understand the interesting crap above this. =)

This March holidays is ending.
Days come and go.
I just realised that I went out for five whole days.
And finally, guitar is taking a break.


10:42 PM;

{Wednesday, March 15, 2006}

Kehua: "You never update your bloggie lorz..."

Heheh. Can't help it. My bloggie is always in demand. =)))
Oh. Now I know.
That is why I always receive so many huggies. -smugface-

Today, Amelin and I dated Xiao Ting and Cindy.
We went to...
SSSSHHH. My mom ain't supposed to know that...
we went to Orchard Road.

-guiltyface- Eheheh.
We were damn kuku.
Didn't know where to go.
Wanted to go to a shopping mall which caters to our needs, but we just simply didn't know where to go! OK, I can admit, I'm not a Singaporean!
Amelin and Xiao Ting claims that I look like a Filipino.
I know they're just kidding, so I just heck-cared them. =)
When we stepped out of the MRT station, we kept on wandering around.
We wanted to go to the Heeren, but didn't know where the place is.
I know. Singapore is such a huge place. Very big.
Finally, we found the stupid shopping mall.
It's worth finding it anyway.
There's so many things to look at.
But, they're like, so useless?
Those weird accessories and clothes.
My heart was totally itching.
I needa spend money when I go out, ya know.
We finally spent money at the neoprint shop.
Was the first time we took with Xiao Ting and Cindy.
The neoprint machine was like much better than Tampines Mall's and Century Square's.
Got two rows of 'benches' that you can let your butts enjoy, and the machine has loads of decorative stuffs. Pity we dunno how to operate on the machine well. =(
Cindy is like so cute.
I love her cute comments and her cute expressions.
I love Xiao Ting's smile.
Brightens up my day. =))
Oh yeah. I almost forgot.
I spent quite a lot of money on food.
Oh gosh.
Must work out in the gym for 1 hour on Sunday.
Oh yeah.
I didn't bring anything home today.
Princess Cassie did not bring any single thing home today from shopping!

Tomorrow needa perform at Victoria Concert Hall.
I'm like so tired already.
And tomorrow, we needa wake up so early and only come back at night.

You know I love ya. =)


8:51 PM;

{Friday, March 10, 2006}



This year's holidays

Very hard to celebrate.

I need to express my ANGER on teachers.
As always, teachers are meant to be sadistic and evil.
Some are very evil, but some are not so evil.
In nature, they are all evil. =)
One week holiday, they give us homework.
I have 5 sets of homework.
From different subjects.
Never mind, I say, I will complete all of them in 2 days.
Guitar practice!!!
I can't stand guitar lessons.
It's so boring.
I shall die of boredom.
And this holiday, I have 4 practices.
Just because we need to play for the Victoria Concert thingy.
We're only playing for the introduction of the concert!
Why are they listing so many days of practices!
It totally destroys my holiday mood.
I wanna go out with friends!
I wanna go SHOPPING!
I wanna relax and be happy!
I wanna play and have fun like a little girl!
I wanna...

Sadly, it's very hard to.
You can't always have the cake and eat it right?

Enjoy my blog's music by the way.
I simply can't resist the song.
I must really thank darling Ting for introducing that song to me.

Oh my pretty pretty boy I love you
Like I never ever loved no one before you
Pretty pretty boy of mine
Just tell me you love me too...

It's just so sweet and full of love.
Reminds me of pink cotton floss candy.

And, speaking of the dreading test results.
I hate to say, but.
I flunked my chinese.
I feel so sad about it.
I've done my best into understanding the cloze passages and comprehension passages.
I've tried my best by squeezing my brain cells into thinking of possible correct answers.
Nevertheless, I still flunked.
It's pathetic, I know.
But I shall squeeze my brain cells harder next time.
On a happier note, I've done fairly for A&E maths.
But I'm totally dreading triple science.

Time is tight for this March hols.
I shall grab it and make full use of it.

Happy Holidays!


7:13 PM;

{Thursday, March 09, 2006}

I shall stop using Dear Diar2 to introduce a post, it sounds so weird to me suddenly.




Suddenly, the massive, scary nightmare is so
Have you heard of Lindsay Lohan's song Over?
Common Test is so over!
I feel so sorry for it.
But I'm happy.
(insert in generous amounts of addictive laughter here)
Don't tell me that it's over...
Don't tell me that it's OVER.
It's finally over.
The incessant, insane routine of coming home from school, bathing, burying myself into those books, pigging out and sleeping at late hours and waking up with a heavy head has killed me mentally.
It has destroyed my brain cells.
The four days of torture. Sheer torture.
That is why whatever I'm typing now seems weird to me.
I can relax now.
I'm gonna start treasuring holidays.
I must make the fullest of them.
I wanna go out with friends.
I wanna do stuffs that I can't do during school days.
I wanna learn new skills.
I wanna learn baking and ice-skating!
I wanna shop and do some serious splurging.
I wanna exercise and lose weight.
I wanna enjoy the March holidays, though it's only a week.

Hey, a piece of good news.
I'm starting to love my braces.
I found it weird to have those metallic 'jewels' stuck to your teeth, but now, I find that my braces are kinda bling bling. Quite cool, because not everyone can get to wear braces. Only special people can.


7:23 PM;

be with myself


cappucino on a rainy day,
snuggles in the warmth of blankets,
hot food in the arms of hunger,
huge umbrella of a stranger,
embraces in the rain,
smiles amidst frowns,
triumphs and singing of the heart

in center


Raindrops like candlewax
Drowning in a
Solid sculpture, you Burning and cold.


Baking skills
Yoga/Electone lessons


*HUGS* TOTAL! *HUGGIES* snuggles & cuddles


amelin =)
fiona =)
ke*hua =)
edwin =)
sim*yee =)
yi*chen =)
anna =)
♥ trains


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