I’ve officially moved to http://cassiekoh.wordpress.com.

I’m still rather sad that I have to move, after all, I customised the page and all. But, the new Blogger doesn’t allow me to edit my page in HTML anymore.

Goodbye Blogger.com.

I hate how people tap on my shoulder HARD, just for a MINOR SURPRISE.

Don’t they have any mouths to open to say hi, or hands to wave hi?

Take it. I am surprised, but not PLEASANTLY SURPRISED. It’s like a freaking RUDE SHOCK you would ever give, and I don’t consider that friendly at all.

Not only is it rude and intrusive, it is also freaking unfriendly and pretentious. 

©Today’s Story

A little girl sits down on a bench with her teddy bear companion, as usual, when she goes out to the park to play.

The little girl was feeling exceptionally moody today, and so she started a little conversation with her furry dear companion…

Lil Girl: “Teddy, me is feeling a little bit…jaded today.”

Teddy: “Jaded is a big word for a small girl like you! How do you know the word?” *pats girl’s head in excitement*

Lil Girl: “Well, me made it up…just like how a coral stone of mine faded from green to grey yesterday…so the word jaded is how I feel like the stone today.”

Teddy: “Wow! Big girl now aye? So why jaded?”

Lil Girl: “Me is jaded with friends…friend-ship.

                 My friends disappoint me sometimes, and sometimes I wonder why. Are they really my friends? Or are we just playing to be friends?”

Teddy: *looks in wonderment and shakes his head* “My friend, do not be jaded because of your friends. If they are really and truly your friends, they will not jade you. Instead, they will fill you with happiness just like how balloons are filled up with so much happy air. Friends are also like balloons, my dear girl. Too many balloons in your hand, and you may lose track of them. Too many balloons, and some of them may fly away up into the sky. Those balloons who fly away are those you should not be too disappointed with, because when they fly away, just let them fly away, you can’t catch them back no matter how you jump anyway. Just remember there are a handful of good balloons still in your hand, tight and sure.”

Lil Girl: "I feel better now, Teddy! Thank you Teddy!” *hugs Teddy and skips into the park*

there is a certain kind of sadness

that is the most elusive,

yet it is the most dangerous kind.

it sticks to the inner cavities of your throat,

and lingers in your soul.

it is becoming the food for your body,

and food for your soul.

when can i start doing things that i really enjoy, that i really would be happy, and not just doing it for the practical, reality world?

when? when can i take charge?

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I’m lost in the dizzying throes of perfection, seeking perfection in every single thing that comes to writing: from planning the writing to editing every single paragraph and line in the writing.

It’s like I’m trying to compensate for being the silly first year I’ve been in, who jeopardized her own starting point in the line of this educational marathon.

It can be an issue of taking enormous pride in own writing, and it can also be a fear of failure that is inculcated in this society. It can also be a constant questioning of self-doubt whenever this kind of papers come along, because you can think and ponder, and edit, edit and edit, and even revamp your whole writing…until the deadline draws near, that is. It’s this seemingly never-ending process that seeks to fulfil the aim of perfection, of which it knows no bounds.

In the educational marathon, I’m considered lagging far behind people I know. Overseas exchanges, well known internships, they have it all. Thesis even, coming along the way. And it’s not because I’m more stupid that them, but that I made stupid decisions right in the beginning.

Here I am, trying to compensate for being the lost first year student who knew nothing about competition, of planning ahead, of the bell curve, a funny girl who chose her modules almost like impulsive shopping.

What am I trying to achieve with this post, you ask.

Maybe I’m trying to achieve something, through a catharsis.

To feel less dizzy about it…

But don’t get me wrong. I really enjoy what I’m studying now, a process that came with the making of stupid decisions and discovering what I really want to study about. But not this kind of writing and editing…it really feels like it is taking out something which is a part of me, everytime I have to do this. Maybe it’s just a writer’s thing, something like writer’s block.

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And all along, I was hopeful that people would want to make friends with me for the pure sake of making friends with me, to know me for the pure sake of it. Now I know.

I was too hopeful all along. Too optimistic for my own good. That is called to be naive.

No such thing as being friends for being friends. There’s always a motive behind, although it ain’t necessarily be a monetary one.

Except for a handful of pure friends that I have, I can’t speak for some or most people I meet.

I feel quite disappointed, but more in a way that is disappointed upon seeing an empty present box than being truly sad. I don’t want to waste my time putting in effort into something that is not worth the toil of my emotions.

But such is the sad reality.

No more, time to grow up.

Haha, such are the memories of innocent friends in childhood, to play with each other for the sake of enjoying with each other, and not to profit or gain from one another at the expense of the other.

And oh wow, I miss writing for the sake of writing my own ‘unique’ way. Some say it’s abstract, some say it’s out of the world, but who knows what it truly is…

Anyhow, I’m….liberated.