Today was supposed to remain like the beginning of today, woke up feeling cold, blue sky, white clouds dispersed, a truly windy day. And then rain, heavy rain, misty and beautiful, cleansing the world once again. Rain patterns formed on the windscreen, swirling, misty, beautiful.

Econs left me heavy, dull. I kind of disappeared while people were chattering excitedly around me, but was kinda excited for window-shopping with Roz and Simyee. And then, this thing happened. Enough said. But questionings of once in a million and why me still exist. But but, I'm still thankful for Roz and Simyee, was totally caught off-handed and clueless and exasperated and angsty. But but, I'm still feeling cursed and bothered. I didn't do anything to warrant this. Sure, it's a trivial thing as it seems and it doesn't deserve so much elaboration. Like a ridiculous, one off ugly comedy in a movie.

A zillion thoughts on my mind, thanks to the suppression of thoughts during preparation for the big exams. Everything was okay except for today, I was lucky (same qs done in assignments, thought of before, etc) before. So take heart on that? I dunno.

A Streak of Sadism

In days leading up to the actual exams, had a lot of weird, violent, gory dreams. But they are awesome in that way.

Dream #1: [Sight vivid, sound muted, feeling intense] Well this was like inspired from zombie infected horror movie. White old-school bus with windows. Everything was normal, was sitting on the inner seat. Alight, one girl. Different from the rest. Zombified face, strange eyes. Somehow I was the only person who knew. She walked past me, a moment of intensity. Suddenly, she broke out, felt her angst, vivid colour of blood streaked down her eyes, lips. She jumped out of the bus, broke the windows, caused a traffic commotion, people running. Later on, I was roaming on the streets, near my old house, lol, looking for her. What fascinated me the most was the intense colour of blood clot and pool of blood on the sidewalk here and there.

Dream #2: [sight muted, sound intense, feeling intense] Met a kidnapper in a coffeeshop, remembered most was how fast I was running away from the person, police on bikes on the rescue, remembered a rather handsome police officer piggybacking me. Lol. And I think I shouted in sleep.

Dream #3: [sight vivid, sound intense, feeling intense] Weirdest dream ever, got me disconnected for a while. Went into the realm between heaven and hell, where souls of people in critical condition went. Saw some familiar people but I'm not mentioning. Lol. Strangest was the place felt happy and noisy and lots of food. Buffet style. And then a group of unfamiliar people accompanied me. Followed by some hell guard. Then I was off into a tunnel-slide. Then I was on top of a tree, 10-stories high, with some faceless girl-friends. Felt the thrill of jumping straight down from the tree with them, as normal as going down the stairs, though I have fear for heights.

Dream #4: [sight vivid, sound muted, feeling intense] In school, the teachers told us to form rows at the bottom of my secondary school staircase. On each of the steps, a few random boy classmates never met before in life. The boys at the bottom of the staircase went first, stabbing the boys on the steps with knives. Felt the gore, and everyone went to do what the teachers wanted except me. Refused. Got scolded and condemned in the hall for it.

Yep, that's about it. In the actual days of exams, dreamless sleep returned. Lol.

Had difficulty sleeping for morning papers though.

The thing about education is, it kind of brainwashes you into a certain way of thinking. They tell you your thinking is warped, incorrect, and you're forced to rework, rewire your brain into their correct terminologies used and such. Talking about econs. And math, sure apps. of differentiation and integration can be used to differentiate ourselves from others and integrate our lives. And statistics, deep down you know you don't really know what the heck you are memorising. And history, the events of the past boggles and the files can kill someone 3 times over. Literature's the only subject I can resonate with, relate to, have feelings for, wept for some characters though they're fictional but yet they're real. And they tell you it's useless, redundant, irrational and you should be ace-ing for Sciency subjects instead.

No matter, my thoughts are finally free now, free to roam, to explore, to ponder, to grow.