♥ heart on wings

Life-saving photos taken on Wednesday after swimming lesson. Gosh, it was the first time having a sudden headache while swimming and so the lesson wasn't fruitful at all for me. =( Gosh, I need to learn how to swim without goggles too seriously. Bless me on June 18... =(((

Didn't feel well during the photo-taking but nevertheless, the fun and laughter sort of made my headache go away for a while...

9:14 PM;

Just gotten my retainers. Ewww, I swear wearing retainers is worse than wearing braces. It's like two huge plastic things stuck to the back of your mouth so much so that it makes me nauseous, think sticking your finger into your throat that kinda feeling. I hate the feeling of vomitting. And talking is difficult and the dentist wants me to wear it every single moment, unless I'm eating. Crap. How am I supposed to sleep and go to school with it??

That disgusting thing aside, I'm gonna take the Bronze Medallion test soon. If I pass, I can be a part-time lifeguard...the passing thing is another thing. I swim the slowest and my breathing style in the water is taking a toll on me. I can't do free-style well and backstroke well without choking. On top of it, due to life-saving, I've gained a lot of weight so much so that my Ah Ma tells me to stop putting on any more weight. That's like a totally new phenomenon; she usually tells me to eat more. Which means my body is really stockier than before; bigger thighs and arms. Great, tis a price to pay. It's ridiculous. Usually frequent swimming helps you to lose weight, not the perfect opposite. I get hungry more often and so I eat more. Great. And I guess it's also the muscle thing, no wonder I don't feel as lethargic during life-saving lessons now. Muscles. ...!!! I hate and I'm scared of muscles. I can't afford to gain anymore weight. But I'm kinda happy with my cca people; they're a bunch of laughter-worthy and jokey nice and friendly people and it's good to know how to do CPR and the life-saving techniques they teach.

It's a frequent thing many people say, even my mom. "You join life-saving?? You can swim? You can be strong enough to save people in the water??"

It's mentally draining, when even your mom says that to you.

......




Sneak peek of my current hair. How to style it (to school for instance??)


Help me unravel the mystery


Enlighten me.

6:16 PM;

A certain time period ago,
I didn't even know about your existence.
I didn't know about you- angel, sunshine,
Didn't know about you at all.
I may have been too blind and too busy
To realise there could be someone
Watching over me.
I really must have been
Too blind, too busy.
Still I am really thankful
Somehow or other,
I got to know about you.

But sunshine will not stay.
It will beam and shine for a certain period of time
And then it goes away for a while
And comes back again.
-It still will come back.
Clinging on to that hope,
I search for you
Everywhere I go.
The glimmer of hope
Gives me strength and
Something in life.

Silly old me
I haven't even got a chance to speak
Face to face with you.
But I am indeed
Always, thinking about you
-Dreaming about you.
I haven't gotten the hearing of your voice
Just a shadow of you
Without a voice
And then
Like vapour of the wind
You're gone
-Different routes in life.
Silly old me
Sometimes can't help but wonder
Whether I could have made you up
To make myself smile.
My intangible angel,
My intangible sunshine...



I'm still exhausted after Sunday's Shopping with Puay Suan and Amelin. It was really a shopping day from day to night. Only girls can do that. We started out at Marina Square then went on to Bugis and then to Tampines Mall and Century Square for the night. Trying out clothes store after store, walking and walking, talking and talking, looking and looking. So fun, although in the beginning it was not a fruitful shopping trip. But then I got a bit dizzy with a slight headache and the next morning (which was today) got a major headache that's still existing a bit now. Which shows how much ground we covered and how 'intense' the shopping was. Lol. We didn't do impulsive buying though, so no shopping spree. Instead we kept on pondering over whether to buy this certain piece of clothing or not but not really me though. I'm more decisive. Lol. So I missed the class outing to Sentosa. Sad thing. And I feel really guilty today, for not doing any work but lazing around the whole day due to the silly headache for silly old me.

10:52 PM;

I had an impulse to really have my hair cut...and I did. Went to the hairdresser's alone and requested for her to cut half of my hair. And she did, so now my hair's only shoulder-length...

Something's wrong. I took a long time to grow my hair till past my upper torso and now the hair's frustrating me so much so that I cut half of it. The waves are still there though but very slight so the hairstyle reminds me of one of the female characters in Scoobydoo. Lol. Heck, hair will still grow anyway and it's been a long time since I had short hair. The weather's to blame too, freaking 34 degrees and all...but I have no idea how to style my hair now. Lol. Especially when bloody school reopens.

8:48 PM;

Who is this hideous girl whom I see in the mirror.
Hideously tanned, awfully heavy.
Hideous on the outside and the inside.
This feeling burns.

Useless.

10:56 PM;

Finally, it's the start of the June holidays. Which means no seeing silly blue for a few weeks or so and no putting on a facade to protect self from insanity, sadness, vulnerability.

Yes, I hate going to school and I will pay any costs for time to go so fast that I get out of this freaking school and be at peace with self.

Why? Simply because I hate to put on a facade whenever I go to school because which sane human being likes to be mocked at, laughed at, scorned at, manipulated by?

Dangerous place that robs me of my identity and sanity.

Yes, and I won't be happy in school but I will be happy after finishing school.

I totally dislike, detest, abhore.

The blue school colour is sickening to me now.

Fuck you, I'm no pushover.

Fuck off, don't hurt me. I'm not your doll to be manipulated with.

I want to kill your mocking laughter and smile.

2:53 PM;

I'll be your dream, I'll be your wish, I'll be your fantasy
I'll be your hope, I'll be your love, be everything that you need
I love you more with every breath truly madly deeply do
I will be strong, I will be faithful 'cause I'm counting on a new beginning
A reason for living
A deeper meaning

And when the stars are shining brightly in the velvet sky
I'll make a wish send it to heaven then make you want to cry
The tears of joy for all the pleasure and the certainty
That we're surrounded by the comfort and protection of the highest powers
In lonely hours
The tears devour you

I will be happy.
I will be anticipating.

P.S. I'm still eating/talking as though I still have my braces on. Lol.

No longer invisible anymore. Can't.
Must remember to be happy.

9:21 PM;

Finally, the day I've been anticipating ever since...2 years, 2months, 22 days ago.

Nice relationship with my braces. =) Didn't know the taking off part (yanking off the braces and then the piercing cleaning up and polishing of the teeth) was dramatically painful like the first dental procedure which was to pluck off 4 healthy teeth...okay maybe the pain meter was a fraction of the plucking off teeth thing but still I can remember the pain. So the journey of braces has ended with the beginning and the end etched in my mind. Lol. I would be anticipating a whole new relationship with retainers(dark-red) though.

Anyway, I'm glad, relieved, yay that I've my braces off! =))) Just that my teeth still feels glued to some invisible thing and it feels...new...and fragile. Sheesh. Weird. And when I first looked into the mirror, I was like thinking, "This doesn't look like my teeth at all" And I look way different when I smile. Maybe it's because of the sad fact that I'm very tanned (flushed-red-brown skin tone) and the contrast of the colours of my teeth and my skin. Lol. But I guess it's because of the shape of the teeth now. My doctor says my teeth are long. Lol. My front teeth looks long to me too.

The first thing I ate without braces was chewing gum! =) Haha been so long since I tasted them. And yay, my irritating brother can't make fun of me and my braces anymore! Can eat anything anyhow now, like corn. =)) And now, I can tease my brother's crooked, protruding teeth. Sweet revenge, muahahaha. Can't wait to smile for the world tomorrow! Lol. Joking lah, I don't wanna people to get blinded by my killer smile. =)))))))))))))))))))

Is getting braces worth the effort, patience and pain? Hmm...kinda. =)

7:50 PM;

Trying to embrace the current and the future, and I know it will be successful.
I know- for when I encounter nitty-gritty failures and setbacks, I will remember what you told me.

It's time to truly wake up and do well in my work- full concentration!

And I will also remember what Ah Gong told me a week ago- "Must do well for this 2 years ok! Must move on to university. Do not let me down." in chinese.

5:58 PM;

Sailing across the boundless sea
Rowing with beads of sweat
A lurch in the stomach
And the heart

Looking over the horizon
Blinded by the sunlight

The sun that looks like the moon
Is it the moon or the sun?
Doesn't really matter
Really doesn't matter

Unless
After braving the mystery of the sea
Unless
After seeing you again.


Am in a better mood today, for it is a one-day holiday, nevertheless, it's still a holiday. And I finally got the chance to go out with my loved people, oh no not people but just Puay Suan. Actually I asked quite a few of my loved people to go out into the city with me, but in the end, only Puay Suan was free to go. Nevertheless, I enjoyed the day very much with you Puay Suan dear. Missed you. =)

Went to Bugis with her the whole day. Talked a lot, seriously. Shared a lot about our lives and thoughts and feelings and many many stuffs and issues. It's been a long time since I've talked to anyone like that before. Aside from talking and talking, we walked the whole of Bugis trying on clothes and shoes and seeing bags and eating and eating. Lol, me doing most of the eating whereas she doing most of the buying clothes.

Hope that the June Holidays will come soon, for I need a holiday getaway or days like this. Hope I can see more of my loved people soon.

Feeling more in touch with the world now. But now it's back to...reality.

P.S. So glad that yesterday I passed the Life-saving 123 test. Lucky it was so slack that it didn't felt like an exam.

7:45 PM;

be with myself

Affirmation

cappucino on a rainy day,
snuggles in the warmth of blankets,
hot food in the arms of hunger,
huge umbrella of a stranger,
embraces in the rain,
smiles amidst frowns,
sincerity..
triumphs and singing of the heart

clarity

Raindrops like candlewax
Drowning in a
Solid sculpture, you Burning and cold.

peace

Independence
Health
Baking skills
Yoga/Electone lessons
Love
Faith
Happiness

serenity.

*HUGS* TOTAL! *HUGGIES* snuggles & cuddles

.::.
Cousin ♥
amelin =)
fiona =)
ke*hua =)
edwin =)
sim*yee =)
yi*chen =)
anna =)
♥ trains

.::.