heart on wings

{Monday, January 21, 2008}

"Please Hear What I'm Not Saying -
Don't be fooled by me.
Don't be fooled by the face I wear.
For I wear a mask, a thousand masks,
masks that I'm afraid to take off,
and none of them is me.
Pretending is an art that's second nature to me,
but don't be fooled.
For God's sake don't be fooled.
I give you the impression that I'm secure,
that confidence is my name and coolness is my game,
that the water's calm and I'm in command,
and that I need no one.
But don't believe me.
My surface may seem smooth but my surface
is my mask, ever-varying and ever-concealing.
Beneath lies no complacence.
Beneath lies confusion and fear and aloneness.
But I hide this. I don't want anybody to know it.
I panic at the thought of my weakness and fear being exposed.
That's why I frantically create a mask to hide behind,
a nonchalant sophisticated facade, to help me pretend,
to shield me from the glance that knows.
But such a glance is precisely my salvation.
My only hope, and I know it.
That is, if it's followed by acceptance,
if it's followed by love.
It's the only thing that can liberate me from myself,
from my own self-built prison walls,
from the barriers I so painstakingly erect.
It's the only thing that will assure me
of what I can't assure myself,
that I'm really worth something.
I don't like to hide.
I don't like to play superficial phony games.
I want to stop playing them.
I want to be genuine and spontaneous and me,
but you've got to help me.
You've got to hold out your hand
even when that's the last thing I seem to want.
Only you can wipe away from my eyes
the bland stare of the breathing dead.
Only you can call me into aliveness.
Each time you're kind and gentle and encouraging,
each time you try to understand because you really care,
my heart begins to grow wings, very small wings,
very feeble wings,
but wings!
With your power to touch me into feeling
you can breathe life into me.
I want you to know that.
Who am I, you may wonder.
I am someone you know very well.
For I am every man you meet,
and I am every woman you meet."

A long long long poem indeed, with really deep hidden meanings that I can totally relate to right now and forever. Have been looking into the book of Chicken Soup currently for some soul-searching...since I'm like going to face a turning point in my life very soon now and the current feeling is like a question mark and an exclamation mark.

Feeling like a lost soul that does not seem to have enough courage, enough energy to face the turning point in life...yet rather relieved that the impasse is going to be over soon...

I hate these kinda unknown situations...and things that happen on these kinda situations are mostly unexpected!!! Okay, no matter, I'm already mentally and emotionally and spiritually prepared for the worst......my mom had a dream that I scored 19 points for the O Levels okay.......................................

How did I manage to endure the waiting period for the PSLE results? I was like cool, calm and ready to brave anything...seems like childhood innocence did the trick.

6:18 PM;

be with myself

Affirmation

cappucino on a rainy day,
snuggles in the warmth of blankets,
hot food in the arms of hunger,
huge umbrella of a stranger,
embraces in the rain,
smiles amidst frowns,
sincerity..
triumphs and singing of the heart

in center

clarity


Raindrops like candlewax
Drowning in a
Solid sculpture, you Burning and cold.

peace

Independence
Health
Baking skills
Yoga/Electone lessons
Love
Faith
Happiness

serenity.


*HUGS* TOTAL! *HUGGIES* snuggles & cuddles

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Credits: momotea, larafairie.
Images: Foto decadent, deviantart.
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