Today is just the first day of "Doom's Day" (a.k.a. the first day of receiving the "fruits" of my labour for the mid-year examinations) and I almost died today. In a double sense. You might think it's silly to say such a thing, but. Unless you're a student like me, I don't think you're able to understand. (then why do teenage suicides occur? it's either about love or studies, mostly, it's studies) Like how a businessman frets over his business, like how mothers fret over their children. And once something goes horribly wrong, it almost feels like a part of you has died. How would a businessman feel, when he has invested all his money into a particular business venture and went bankrupt? How would a mother feel, when her son goes to jail?I saw my daily bus coming and I was already walking opposite, away from it. I wanted to make a detour to catch that bus, and I nearly died while doing that. For I was crossing the road and had a thought to dash across and be smacked dead by a whizzing car. I reached the MRT station. I had a thought to throw myself down into the tracks and getting myself smashed flat by the oncoming speedy train. But then, there was a sign, "Value life. Act responsibly." And I thought of what would happen if I really entertained those morbid thoughts. My family, my friends, my teachers, my classmates...they would all be very sad. That I didn't give myself a chance to live.
In the hall, I could sense it. There's daggers in men's smiles. I must believe in myself, that I can succeed, that I can do really well in the O Levels. I must make a difference.
Heaven, to whoever is the creator of this world, I pray you listen to me. Though my tears have dried and cannot flow, to express the indescribable heart-wrenching pain within me, you shall give me the strength to live on. You shall watch over me.
And for that to be realized, I know it. I must not even think of suicide. I must taste the familiar taste of failure again, like during the Sports Day, and grit my teeth and attack those piles of books. I'm not going to emerge the failure in the end.
I'm going to have the last laugh.