The forlorn, sorrowful drops of emotionsWeave countless memories from the pastThey form a melody, a melodious notionThe lips, snow-white and aghastWhisper notes coated with bloodThe eyes, pleading yet blankScream black tears that floodDance with the ladyTo the tune of endless rhapsodyI cannot take it anymore.
I feel like crying it out to the whole world.
I feel like taking a razor knife to ease the pain.
I feel like eating nothing.
I feel like, but the resilient soul is killing me.
I cannot cry, because I know there's weakness in everyone's eyes.
I cannot take a sharp object and inflict pain onto myself again, because I promised people I would cherish my own life.
I cannot starve again, I will get gastric and vomit 4 times, again.
It may seem silly to others that failing English would make a person's life really miserable.
But.
Failing english, literally means, failing every single subject.
It doesn't matter that I've failed Chinese and Chemistry too.
Because, failing english, means I've failed all my subjects.
Which means, I've failed my Common Test.
This may mean happiness and joy to some people, I do fear.
It's a dog-eat-dog world out there, and some people might celebrate your failures.
Some people may even gloat about your failure, saying how happy they feel for you.
People may also despise me.
Because, I've failed English.
I'm oh so stupid.
I feel so inferior to everyone now, I feel almost like a helpless child crying on the streets for her mother.
I'm very, afraid.
I'm scared.
I wish to pour out all my sorrows to somebody, before I do anything silly or life-threatening.
But, there's literally no one to turn to.
Friends? They comfort me, they tell me they've failed English before, but what can they do to ease the overwhelming pain inside?
Family? My mom? I don't wish to tell her about this. I'm afraid that she will despise me, because I've never failed English in my entire life. All the time she's paying extra attention to my brother, who's taking PSLE this year. Even if my brother is not taking PSLE this year, I will not get all her love and attention. I'm always losing to my brother. She's never kissed me before, and said "I love you" to me. But, she has said that to my brother many times. My father? He will just call me lousy.
I do feel for this blog. Whenever I feel down, or happy, I would pour all my emotions into this blog without having this blog to react to it.
I really want someone to save me from this mess, and help me to see the light.
But, there's literally no one for the role.
I'm helpless.
Some of my friends say how pro I am in English.
I think this would prove them wrong.
Some of my friends tell me I am not stupid.
This would also prove them wrong.
I do fear their compliments.
I fear they compliment me because they do not wish to disappoint me.
I feel sorry for this blog.
I've changed its skin to suit my current mood.
I know everyone prefers the happy skin of my blog.
But.
I'm really sorry, I can't be happy anymore.
I can only be happy, when I torture myself.
I deserve it.
