heart on wings

{Wednesday, October 26, 2005}

Dear Diar2,

I can't believe it.

Now then I know I have an unsympathetic, unfeeling and don't-give-a-fucking-shit mother.

Today, I went home, showed her the subject combination for sec 3 and she didn't bloody give a fucking look. She just asked me to choose whatever shitty subject I want for sec 3 next year.
She said she didn't know what subjects I like to take next year, so she asked me to freaking fill up the form myself.

In my heart, I was silently cursing her.

What kind of mother is that, to heck care about SUBJECT COMBINATION FOR SEC 3??

I was freaking frustrated and told her that since she doesn't wanna see the form, then she can forget about seeing it forever.

You know what freaking excuse she said that made my blood boil?

"I thought you showed me the form earlier this year already huh? Anyway, I hate people who interrupt me when I'm teaching your brother."

That fishball again. That so-going-to-fail-badly bloody fishball. She cares about him more than me. I can tell she's freaking out coz' my brother is still watching TV, and tomorrow is his BIG DAY. Primary school exam. BIG DEAL.

As if she bloody gave a damn about my secondary school end-of-year exams, I recalled. She didn't even ASK what subjects I'm being tested for that particular day. She didn't even cared.

Okay, I admit she cares about my brother more than me. So what? I have plenty of friends who love me and care for me, I don't need your unconditional motherly love. I don't need it, I'm strong enough to hold on. But even if you cared more about my brother, you don't need to vent your anger onto me. Just because that freaking fishball is still enjoying himself in his luxury and so innocently going to fail or do badly in his exams, I repeat, you don't need to vent all your anger onto me.

I'm not your voodoo doll which you can easily vent your anger on by piercing sharp, pointed needles into my body. I'm a human being with a fragile beating heart, and that's final.

For those people reading this, you may be digusted by my sudden use of strong vulgarities in my bloggie. I deeply apologize for that, as that may put you off badly. But I really need to discard my anger, and the only thing I can do now is to write in this bloggie. If after reading this, you may get the impression that I'm a green monster, do think twice. Put yourself into my shoe. How would you feel when your mother doesn't want to sit down with you and discuss about your subject combinations for sec 3 next year like all mothers do with their children? How would you feel when your mother constantly tries to find fault with you and vents all her anger onto you? And how would you feel if your mother doesn't give a fucking damn about you, whether you're alive or dead?

I feel equally like an orphan, without any motherly love.
No difference.

`x0x0``
muacks**

6:34 PM;

be with myself

Affirmation

cappucino on a rainy day,
snuggles in the warmth of blankets,
hot food in the arms of hunger,
huge umbrella of a stranger,
embraces in the rain,
smiles amidst frowns,
sincerity..
triumphs and singing of the heart

in center

clarity


Raindrops like candlewax
Drowning in a
Solid sculpture, you Burning and cold.

peace

Independence
Health
Baking skills
Yoga/Electone lessons
Love
Faith
Happiness

serenity.


*HUGS* TOTAL! *HUGGIES* snuggles & cuddles

.::.

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